Week 30 - The best day of your life - 25 years old... WooHoo!

What an emotional roller coaster this week has been. The week before, I could feel my excitement building at an upcoming special date; an anniversary of sorts,  a day essentially more important to me than my birthday.  An unforgettable milestone I can pin-point in identifying when my life really began.   This self-willed, emotionally bankrupt woman, finally acknowledged she alone, was powerless at the massive chaos of her life and asked for some Holy help.   If there was indeed any help out there... I had no idea, it was just a shout in the dark, but there were no other options.  I was on a road of destruction so wide, battering (inadvertently or not) everyone in my path.  My liver was shot along with my integrity, esteem, and will to live.  Doctors warned, “If you keep it up, you won’t last the year.” This doesn’t begin to describe the enormity of trouble I was in.  I wasn’t just knocking on death’s door, the door had opened a crack and the timeless darkness inside was beckoning me to enter.  Worst of all, I wanted to walk in, and spent two full weeks trying my best to make that happen in a really cowardly way. I figured a few gallons (3,4,5,6... I don’t remember) of 150 proof vodka and no food for two weeks might do the trick, painlessly.   A gun would have worked faster, but I still had some vestige of false vanity remaining and didn’t want to enter Hell (where I was convinced I was headed) looking bloodied and messy.  Not that my 97 pound, malnourished frame, dull hair and skin, and already dead eyes was any vision to gaze upon.  Every time I would “come to” from my alcohol saturated stupors, I thought to myself, “I can’t even die properly.  This clearly is Hell. I’m already there.”

It’s painful for me to describe those days. Perhaps painting a picture of the dire condition I was in, will give you an idea of the enormity of my gratitude when this Grace, I had never felt, or known, unobtrusively slipped in.   The request was so simple.  It went something like this....” If there is anything “out there” you’re going to have to help me. I can’t stop. I've tried. I don't know what else to do.” Divine intervention said, “I do. I can, and because you asked, yes, I will.” 

I remember that day more vividly than the day my precious daughter was born and just thinking back to it immediately plops me into all those feelings, in that place, again.  I shudder when I think about my selfishness, and disregard for the blessing of life.   I am always overcome with awe and gratitude at the enormity of love this Higher Being had for me unconditionally handing me the kind of miracle it took to yank me out of the quicksand of  suffering, into a life of abundant promise and reward.  A day like that deserves to be celebrated, every day for the rest of my life, but, most especially when one has spent 25 years living tucked safely in the arms of that kind of Compassion.  Times hadn’t been particularly easy over these clean and sober years.  Rewarding, often serene, and always faith filled, but emotionally, some extreme challenges, rose up threatening all that I had been given,  some far worse than fighting the  addiction itself.  At least caught up in the addiction, I was numb to the pain.  Yet, through it all, this Grace, was right there, even when I thought I was alone, guiding me, teaching me, comforting me, helping me to grow and to grow up. 

So, happy, joyous, free and ECSTATIC I entered the week, and then the BIG day.  I anticipated, everyone close to me would recognize how much this major milestone... 25 years.... would mean to me.  Most years, celebration was a cornerstone of the day with loved ones,  surely a “Silver Anniversary” would hold a few extra atta-girls, pats on the back, and maybe a comment or two about a life that has turned into one of purpose, meaning, and light.  Shockingly, and hurtfully, this was not the case.  Not one soul.  Not my heart of hearts, not my closest friends, not my family. Silence.... no cards, no calls, no texts, no flowers, no books, no lunch celebrations....nothing.  I did get a long distance email, the day before, from a fellow traveler, and I was immensely grateful for that.  At least I knew someone sacrificed a few seconds to acknowledge my life and something so precious to me.  I do recognize, part of the blame rests with me.   I don’t participate as actively these days, with the 12 step support system that helped me get sober, therefore, no tokens, or congrats were forthcoming from that segment.  I get that.  But, I really had to question the caliber and quality of these relationships I invest my time, love and energy into in this honest, sober, life I have generously been given.   As I usually do, I turned inward, and obsessed about it, for a few days, turned it into some ridiculous thinking. “What’s wrong with me,” I ruminated, martyr like. The wind was out of my sails, and I had no energy to navigate anywhere.  I didn’t hole up physically, like I used to do. I still pursued my responsibilities and commitments and made myself get out among strangers, who seemed kinder than my inner circle. That was a major change and sign of growth.  Later in the week, my depression turned to a genuine desire to ask, “What am I to learn from this? What’s the lesson?’  There’s always one, somewhere, especially when the apparent oversight, and lack of empathy was so vast and all encompassing.    

For a long time, I’ve noticed some of my relationships have been largely one-sided and I've struggled wondering why.  This apparent “slight” was a perfect example of some of the messages I’ve been getting from “friends”.  Ahhh... growth; this time I didn’t allow my mind to turn on me, and what I have to offer, unnecessarily flogging myself for not being enough.  My Higher Power has done a great job of helping me change my low self-esteem into a healthy awareness of my defects AND talents. Having good manners and the ability to be a friend was NOT one of my weaknesses.  I know I am a great friend, mom, companion, etc. Not perfect; but kind, loyal, caring, with an ability to reach out and love, share intimately, and conduct my relationships with honesty and integrity. That may not have always been the case, but it is now.  I learned through these 25 years how to be a person who could be relied upon, be respectful of others and their time, give unselfishly, be kind.  I also learned how to move into that place of unconditional love, allowing people to make their own mistakes, follow their own path and LOVE THEM STILL, in some cases, from afar, but still hold love in my heart for them.   

AhHA.... there it was.  In this case, I needed to love them still and we can only truly love, when we forgive.  So, I forgave them, for their oversight, most especially those who might simply have forgotten due to busy schedules, or old age, or their own personal crisis.  I forgave those "superficial friends" the recent ones that have no idea of my past.  And, (this was huge stretch for me)  I  could even forgive those who had no good reason to not acknowledge, especially those I invited to share in my joy, with no response.  Maybe they were still working on developing good manners.  Or, maybe the message was, they didn’t really care all that much about me and never came to know how important this was to my life.  And if they didn’t know, how close could they possibly be to me? Why let people who aren't even close to you, hurt you so?  More important, why continue in shallow relationships with people who have no idea who you are, what’s important to you,  or care about your feelings?  Double AhHa! There is a lot of growth in that particular self-posed question.  I knew forgiveness was imperative... for me.  I also blindingly realized, there is nothing wrong with cutting myself out, kindly,  like a paper doll, from relationships that aren't reciprocal.  I don't WANT to make room in my life anymore for painful relationships simply to have relationships.  What I need to do is take my time,  love, and attention and  ask God to lead me toward relationships that are mutually nurturing and life enhancing. I truly do believe, all people are teachers.  Some come into our lives to bring us something we need, and that doesn't always mean all relationships are permanent friendships.  We can outgrow others, especially when we begin to see our worth and value ourselves. We begin to recognize the signs when others are using us, or the relationship is one-sided.  Maybe in order to see that, I needed to spend the most special day of my life in reality check mode, sorting out the wheat from the chaff.  The reality is, I am happy with the person I am today and I want to share with others who share my sentiments. 

I received a giant blessing,in what appeared to be such a negative, hurtful event this past week.  Probably  a greater gift for my “Silver Anniversary” of sobriety and growth than I ever imagined.  I spent quality time with this beautiful Being, my saviour, responsible for reaching out and snatching me off of the threshold of Hell’s door, breathing me back to life again.  We celebrated with  dinner out together.  We snuggled in the big chair in my zen spot and reminisced about the many, many, blessings that have come into my life over these 25 years.  Who better to understand and celebrate with? 

I came across a saying awhile back.  I’d seen it in years past, but didn’t really buy into it fully.  After all, weren’t we all created to lean on and support one another, I thought.  I’ve had to rethink that sentiment  in the last decade or so.   Really, we come into this world, just us, with that molecule of Creation inside. When we die, we leave, just us and our God particle.   While it’s nice for social butterflies like me to engage with others in some interaction, meaningful encounters, fun, and living,  when the pedal hits the metal, we ARE humanly alone and the sooner we accept that, and learn to turn inward for our direction and support, the more peaceful and powerful our lives will become. We give others way too much power.  We do have control over who we allow to share our lives and who we kindly send packing, ideally, along with the best of wishes for their journey. 

My youngest granddaughter's favorite saying these days is, "This was the best day of my life."  I love it.  Every day to her is the best day of her life.  Such wisdom from one so tiny. 

I still believe my life began 25 years ago, but I think Book Two in my life series actually began on July 17, 2012.   The forward reads:

“The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own. No apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, or blame. The gift is yours - it is an amazing journey - and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins.”- Bob Moawad

WooHoo to the new best day of my life....