Week Thirty-Five - The hell with acceptance... Yearn on, baby, yearn on......

Can a person drop into acceptance so deeply they lose their desire and dreams? I’ve had to stop and think about this in the past week.  

Last week I went to fundraiser with a friend, to support the restoration of a lovely, local landmark.  On the way home we chatted about the current events in our lives and I mentioned being so bone-crushingly tired recently; just too exhausted to do anything but drop into bed after work.  I rattled on trying to figure it out. “ I’m exercising, eating healthy, meditating, immersing myself in healthy thoughts.  Did I have some dread disease,  I mused, or was it just my body’s way of telling me to just honor it and rest?”  My friend looked at me, and said, “You’re depressed.”  A little miffed at the comment, I paused for a moment, and then said, “I don’t think I’m depressed, I think I am just resigned. I do find joy in things.”  My friend said, “Oh, I’m not saying you haven’t accepted things as they are.  I just think you aren’t stimulated and the type of person you are, change fuels you. You’ve spent your life, being challenged and challenging yourself, taking risks, and exploring, and that isn’t happening for you right now. You’ve settled in and are trying to acclimate to where you find yourself.  You don’t fit in that space. That’s draining your energy.” 

Well damn.  I think my friend was right.  Then, this quote screamed at me from a meditation book:

"The best antidote I have found is to yearn for something.  As long as you yearn, you can't congeal: There is forward motion to yearning. " - Gail Goodwin

I am slowly getting it.  Everyday I pray for God to let me align my will with His for my life.  Everyday I ask (sometimes beg) him to guide me, give me direction.  I’m still, after all these years, looking for the big conversion experience of Eckart Tolle, or something mystical and supernatural.  When will I ever learn, direction comes in many forms.  A friend’s words, a simple quote in the midst of a reading, timely advice, or a brilliant inspiration while walking out in nature.  Even, that gentle stir of butterflies inside, that excitedly whispers, "yes, do it." I know these are all ways God shows up in my life to answer the questions racing through my incessantly busy head.

  

Many times I minimize those signs and answers. This is all relatively new to me... this consciously living from a spiritual space.   Sometimes I question, and wonder if what I'm hearing is just an insecure ego justifying and rambling on again.  I really don’t have any excuses.   I DO  know the difference now and its time I began to live like it... If it resonates, and I feel peaceful, then it’s the right direction.  If I feel emotions like guilt, fear, and unworthiness it’s not from MY God of love, no matter what anyone else expresses or thinks. That’s not my business. Who knows where "they" are at in their journey, and they can only offer up their reality.   My business is to discern where my Source is leading me. 

You can “act as if” until you’re blue in the face and accept “what is” (my latest mantra, which I am disposing of today) into a state of complacency.  Maybe the feelings of restless, irritable and discontent are there for a reason.  To get me to do something different.... Stop worrying about what I think others think I should do, or how I SHOULD feel, and start doing what resonates with my life.  Stop worrying about perceptions, false pride, duty and responsibilities that have become too big to handle,  and do something else.  Essentially, anything else, with faith and trust.  Just do something!  

Maybe its time to trust in the restlessness and discontent and yearn just a little bit more.  I don’t WANT to settle in and be content with my life as it is today. It’s not what I want.  I WANT change, a new direction, forward movement.  I want to be amongst like-minded souls, who question the status-quo and reach out for new information.  Professionally, I want to feel a part of, and make meaningful contributions. I want to live in a thriving community of vibrant, forward thinking people. That is what I want.  That is who I am, and it feels right and peaceful when I yearn and dream myself there.  I want the magic of trying and failing and trying something new.  I want the magic that comes from setting aside my fears and just taking some risks. I want the magic of being with people who think outside the box, love life, and believe in magic too.   

This is all not to be confused with a lack of gratitude... Ahha this is what I recognized as my sticking point.  I did not want to be perceived as ungrateful for what I have.  I am grateful for the income, a roof over my head, my phenomenal friends and family, a little community that was there for me to hide out in, years ago, when I needed it.  I will always be grateful for these things.  By wanting more, in no way diminishes any of that.  It simply means, I’ve changed.... I want to honor who I am now, those things that help to drive me further along the path in my  journey.  I don’t want to simply accept here, in this place I have rested in, for possibly far too long, just to try to feel safe.  Not now.   It doesn’t feel safe anymore.  It feels alien and dishonorable to something inside me.  

Somehow I crossed a line with acceptance.  I forgot the last half of the serenity prayer - The wisdom to know the difference.  I have no excuses...I know the difference between carving out a rut, and walking forward in faith.  I know I can’t control anyone else, what they think, their opinions or choices. I know I have the courage to change the things I can;  myself, my job, my living situation, I’ve done it over and over in my lifetime.  I am grateful today, when I do get sidetracked, God gives me a good bop on the head...  through a friend’s words, a quote,  and sometime even how my body feels.  

 I began to feel a new stirring this week.... yearned.. made a list for change...imagined and anticipated another good dose of risk-taking,  knowing its all going to turn out for my greater good. It felt right and peaceful to do that.  

I leave you (and me) with this spectacular quote from one of my guru’s...an old soul at 23, Meg P.  This phenomenal young lady who is currently living fully, without limitations, walking through fears, out of mind-numbing complacency, into richness, aliveness and service.   

“It occurs to me it is not so much the aim of the devil to lure me with evil as it is to preoccupy me with the meaningless.” - Don Miller

WooHoo to the end of the meaningless - it's okay to want more... something different.... at least for today. 

Week Thirty Four - Books are humanity in print - Barbara W. Tuchman

I finished a book this week that left me in a massive puddle of my own tears.  I had a tough time getting started when my daughter gave it to me.  She loved it and said she knew I would too.  It was the last in a series of a young adult fiction I had enjoyed years ago - Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.  Generally, my daughter and I don’t enjoy the same literature, she’s a hopeless romantic and Nicholas Sparks fan. Me.... not so much. It’s not that I don’t believe in miracles, and love, and fantasy, it’s just perhaps I have enough of my own life experiences now, and the fiction pales in comparison!  Who needs  50 Shades of Grey when you’ve lived it, better written. This book, Sisterhood Everlasting, was different and I felt so close to her in knowing we saw many of the same things in the rawness and beauty of Ann Brashares final episode of the Sisterhood. I think part of it just means she is growing into her own life experiences too, and can now relate to so much more.  It was a book mother and daughter became one. 

 At, first, I couldn’t figure out why I was dragging my feet in immersing myself further into the book.  I went so far, a few pages at a time, for weeks.  Then, I would stop.  I made up my mind, this past weekend was “D Day”...done...When I finished it Sunday afternoon, I knew why I had so much trouble.  The book was a very personal revisit to my life, decade by decade. I haven’t had a book impact me so intimately since Elizabeth Gilbert’s  Eat, Pray, Love which I read in 2008.   I think books, are like people, divine and dropped into our lives when we need them... to teach us, warm our hearts, and help us to know we are not alone. 

I think it’s hard for us to see ourselves as we really were/are in the present or even honestly, in the past tense.  Sometimes the words of another shine a light on those places in us left unspoken; those secret parts of us that need to be recognized, so they can come out and be shared, in order for us to make any progress in our own life journey and growth.  This book did that for me.  It set the stage for a revisit to the person I was at 20, 30, 40, and 50, in voices other than my own, That felt safe for me, and also allowed me to both grieve and rejoice at the woman that has/is evolving.  I bookmarked a few quotes from the book that told a part of the story of the woman I was and now am...

Me- Age 18

“Lena wished that love were something you could flip on and off. You could turn it on when you felt good about yourself and worthy of it and generous enough to return it. You could flip it off when you needed to hide or self-destruct and had nothing at all to give.”

Me - Age 30 

She wondered again about her inclination to wish for things that made her so deeply unhappy.”

Me- Age 45

“Bridget's anger evaporated and the sadness came back. The anger was easier. She owned and controlled it, whereas the sadness owned her.” 

Me - Age 55

“You don't have time, Len. That is the most bitter and the most beautiful piece of advice I can offer. If you don't have what you want now, you don't have what you want.  ... Maybe you think you'll be entitled to more happiness later by forgoing all of it now, but it doesn't work that way. Happiness takes as much practice as unhappiness does. It's by living that you live more. By waiting you wait more. Every waiting day makes your life a little less. Every lonely day makes you a little smaller. Every day you put off your life makes you less capable of living it.” 

Me - Today.... Just for today.

“You just have to let people love you in the way they can.” You get older and you learn there is one sentence just four words long and if you can say it to yourself it offers more comfort than almost any other. It goes like this… Ready?”

“Ready.”

“At least I tried.” 

WooHoo to those talented writers who have an ability to move us to take a look at and acknowledge our own humanity.  It’s only in the recognition that we are able to accept those bits of ourselves and see them for what they are, stepping stones to acceptance of who we have been, who we are, and who we want to be. WooHoo to my weekend of Traveling with the Sisterhood! 

Week Thirty-Three - Glimpses of God.......Perfect!

This has been a simple summer.  Limited funds and a few other impediments to options and mobility have kept me close to home.  The amazing thing is, I’ve stopped fighting it... All of it.  It’s futile to strike out at things that can’t be changed (for now). So, I’ve made the decision to settle in and make the most of what is.  That includes finding gratitude and peace, no matter the circumstances.   This shift occurred one morning when I woke up with a huge smile on my face, bright-eyed, in a state of awe.  What was up with that?  Did I have a 50 Shades of Grey dream starring me and William Levy?   Lying there in bed, not wanting to move or break the mood, this thought floated right into my consciousness -  my life is perfect right now; this moment.   Here I was lying in this perfect bed, a perfect breeze stroking my face, this perfect roof over my head, in my perfectly healthy body, seeing things with my perfect set of eyes, and being grateful for this perfectly good day.  In a blinding flash, I recognized, I had it all.  That morning, that moment, that day, that perfection.  Most important, it was all I needed. Just that perfect day as it was.  I hadn’t found  a full time job with benefits, gotten a substantial advance on my upcoming book,  moved to a nicer city, relocated to a better year-round climate,  discovered more money in my bank account, and  the love of my life hadn’t yet entered the picture. So, what?  I had everything I needed right there.  It was now my choice to keep it right there, a day at a time, get out in that day, become a part of it, pay witness to it, and be mindful of the perfection that already is....without conditions.  Pay attention, look, listen, touch, breathe, and be grateful.  What a discovery. 

Being in that day has freed me from the brain chatter of projections for the future, or regrets over the past. In that perfect day, there is no past or future, just now.  There's no room in my perfect day for restrictions or conditional happiness.  I’ve found much more peace in releasing expectations of what it takes to bring me joy, and  I am mindful to the mystical gifts from the Universe.  Those serendipities just waiting to surprise me with a new awareness, ignite my creativity, or simply make my heart  grin, ear to ear.  I had a few of these this past week.... I call them glimpses of God.  

I saw the face of God in a homeless lady, holding a sign at a freeway exit, attesting to her homelessness, asking for help.  Please help me, it read. I was stunned.  I don’t know what it was about her face... eyes staring straight into my soul, pleading and humiliated.  No one should be without a safe place to lay their head at night or food in their tummies.  No one.  It doesn’t matter if they are an addict, suffer from mental health issues, or just can't work, whatever the reason.  No one deserves the sentence of not having their most basic human needs met.  Later, I couldn’t get her face and cardboard sign out of my head, and it brought me to tears. We didn’t think fast enough to pull over.  Despite the traffic, we should have.  I needed to hand her every dollar I had in my wallet.   I have thought of her every day since, and sent up prayers and energy for God to give her everything she needs and keep her safe. I think we are all responsible for caring for God's children in whatever way we are able.   Maybe it was a test for me.  God in disguise and what would I do?   God said, “You have so much more.  Don’t judge, just give.” I learned a lesson in following through with my instinct in the future.

The other night, was a perfect night for comfortable slumber.  It was one of those cooler nights.  I was able to have the window open, and still cuddle under the furry throw, surrounded by fresh air and softness.  I awoke about 3 a.m. because I sensed this light beaming on the top of my head.   I jumped up on my knees and peered out the window to see the brightest, most beautiful star (or planet) shining down, through the window, directly on me.  I swear I thought it was beckoning me to follow the stream of light and enter its universe.  I was mesmerized by it.  I’ve been struggling some with creativity lately, praying for direction.  As I was staring at this heavenly vision, my mind became infused with story ideas. I don’t know if I dreamed about one, and then saw my heavenly guiding light and it was all just a part of this story idea running through my head?   No matter.   Another  glimpse of God?  

The most delightful encounter in my week was in the form of a tiny little two year old.  On sunny days, I prefer to exercise outdoors rather than taking it to the gym.  I think I get a double dose of endorphins being out in nature and working up a sweat.  As I was coming around the corner of our local track, I saw a string of little ones, tethered together, holding on to a rope being led back into the day-care center.  As I got closer, this miniature little man with the biggest, messiest, blond head of curls, and rosy little cheeks, burst into this wide grin of recognition and he began to wave his hands and stomp his little feet.  He looked right at me, so excited; his  eyes danced along with his body, and he squealed, over and over again,  “Hi! Hi! Hi!”  It was like he was reuniting with his long lost soulmate, finally found after several lifetimes of separation.  This perfect little angel, planted right in the middle of my perfect day.  God in disguise.  He headed into the building with his little buddies, and kept looking over his shoulder and grinning at me as if to say, “Now, go and have a wonderful day.”   I did.  That simple connection with my little tow-headed midget,  was better than a summer trip to Paris! 

I accept that I likely won’t stay in this zen spot forever.  The good news is, I do seem to rest there more often, and stay longer. I like it there.   

Glimpses of God come in many forms.  I recognize them more often now.  Mostly I think,  because I have drilled it down to one perfect day.  WooHoo.  

Week Thirty-Two - WooHoo to appreciating history and celebrating a bright future

What an awesome week this has been.  Busy and full of great summer activities, I’ve dropped into bed every night simply exhausted and overcome with so much gratitude, I thought my heart would burst.  Family was in from both coasts, and pizza parties and get-togethers to catch up on everyone’s lives, filled my need for meaningful socialization.  I’ve sworn off Facebook for the summer, and I think I do feel better not comparing my life to everyone else’s, or pretending to have real friendships with people who I never see in person. I do miss the updates and pictures of my family and some friends who live far away.  Facebook freedom, hasn’t come easy.  It’s really been an exercise in discipline, and focusing in on the positive gifts that surround me, waiting to be touched, smelled, seen, and experienced.  But, it’s also created an environment for a return to contentment with what is, right now,  again.  My newspaper column on a summer sabbatical from Facebook was greeted with mostly positive reviews, and evoked some thought.  I got the best email from a younger reader who thanked me for the kick in the pants my article provided.  She apparently thought she spent way too much time there,  and fell in the 41% who check it before breakfast everyday.  I appreciated her letting me know that.  The negative comments, I took in good stride as well.  I know when someone tugs at a chord,  I can react defensively too;  until I have some time to set my ego aside and really ponder the information.  That’s another tangible sign of growth for me.  I don’t expect everyone is going to love me, or like what I have to say, and I am not only okay with that, I am happy that we live in a society where we are free to think differently and express ourselves.   

Early in the week, my four favorite peeps and I headed South.... to Dayton, to spend a few days with one of my favorite female role models, my step-mom.  Grandma to the peeps. Tradition at Grandma’s house is the dozens of soft, gooey, chocolate chip cookies she bakes as well as banana bread, so moist and bursting with flavor, my taste buds get into party mode in anticipation.  She didn’t disappoint and the fresh baked goods beckoned from the kitchen counter.  Adieu to Weight Watchers for the week anyway.  I think I consumed all my activity points, and cumulative points for an entire month, in a matter of a few hours.  A super treat for the kids as well as the adults was a trip to Carillion Park in Dayton.   I’d never been.  My step-mom is a member and had passes for all of us. We were especially excited to see the newly installed Carrousel adorned with carved wooden pieces native to Dayton’s history and entrepreneurship.  The wooden pieces were hand-carved by friends and artists from my area who work for a Carrousel Carving Company in Mansfield, Ohio. What a wonderful place to revisit the history of Dayton, a hot bed of creativity, imagination, and entrepreneurship in its day. I have to take back all the negative comments I’ve made about it being Ohio’s most populated hick town.   Of course we all know the history of flight, and the Wright Brothers (my dad is buried not too far from their family plot), and National Cash Register, the electric starter, and Huffy bikes;  but did you know McCalls patterns, the pop top on aluminum cans, and scratch and sniff were products of the great minds populating Dayton, Ohio?  http://www.daytonhistory.org/  Dayton had the most patent's per capita in the United States in the early 20th century.  The kids were even engaged in the little mini history lessons, and seeing all of the neat old gadgets, the first plane to fly,  and of course they loved riding on the Carrousel.  We’ll be back.  It was truly an inspirational experience for me as well as a lot of fun.   

The end of the week, brought about a big birthday for my oldest granddaughter.  You would have thought it was a milestone 13, but, no, it was her 12th.  She started reminding everyone about three weeks ago and counted down the days.  Her wish list was quite small, but expensive this year.  She’s growing up.  She wanted an I-pod Touch, roller skates, and fancy covers for her new I-pod Touch, she was convinced she would get.  That was it!  So on Friday, at her family birthday party,  she did get the I-pod from her very generous grandpa who adores and spoils her.  The family joke is, she’s “the chosen one” in his eyes.  Maybe being the first grandchild, comes with that distinction.  She certainly was highly anticipated, a blessing to this family that had experienced so much sadness and grief the year before.   Her world was totally rocked when the last gift was placed in her lap, and it began to ring!  Mom and Dad bought her a phone.  She’s more involved in school and extra curricular activities now, and they felt she was responsible enough to be prudent and use it wisely.  And, it would make them feel a little better knowing she had a means to communicate in emergencies too.  Fortunately, they have unlimited texting.  I think she sent more text messages that night than I have in six months!   The look on her face at these “big girl” gifts was sheer joy to witness. It also made me a little sad.  I am glad we have two younger ones to savor the innocence of childhood awhile longer,  and I know we all appreciated that more after Alex’s birthday.   

Really relaxing at the movies!

Celebrating with friends! 

I was honored (and very grateful) to be invited to help chaperone birthday party number two with her mom. We are close, grandmother and granddaughter hooked at the heart.   Six of us made our way down to Columbus the next day.   On the agenda was a goal to put a dent into the rather substantial monetary stash she got in birthday cards from family and friends.  I was impressed.  She did put into savings some of that money for a California trip next year.   Shopping in the big city made four pre-teen girls feel like big girls. Dinner out and  a just released movie in a mega-theatre was an added treat for these small town chicks.  I really enjoyed sitting back and watching these lovely young ladies, giggle and text (torment)  the neighborhood boys back home, try on trendy clothes, and stretch out and enjoy their movie at the end of the evening.  It brought back so many wonderful memories of those times with her mom and her friends as well as my own blossomings into the world of teenager.  So many dreams, wanting to be a grown-up, and get on with a life that they will come to realize, isn’t nearly as much fun as where they are right now, today.  They’ll find that out on their own.  Who do I think I am to mention it?  

WooHoo- this week to time with family.  WooHoo also for that burst of inspiration I felt seeing first hand the result of tenacious dreamers who changed the world by failing over and over again, but going for one more time until that car started, the glider flew, and the can hissed opened.  WooHoo to spending time with phenomenal young pre-teens of the day.  They seem smarter, certainly more tech savy. Underlying all of that though, was the recognition,  every generation is not so different from the previous ones... It was a great reminder.  We've all thought our lives would be so much better... when, we turn 12, get a boyfriend, graduate, get our dream job, have kids, retire, or....... 

I have to say, the best part of getting old is finally realizing, the best is always contained right here, right now.....  WooHoo.