Week twenty-six - Childhood gifts of- - - humor and laughter

Father’s Day was last Sunday.  While I’ve had many “Fathers”:  blood, adoptive, step’s and in-laws, I have no living “Dads” to celebrate with anymore.  I received a message from my cousin from  Seattle.  She was going to be in the area  spending a few days at her dad’s house for Father’s Day and invited me to share him with her.  He lives 30 miles away from me and is my mom’s only brother;  one of six siblings, four others deceased. There is an aunt in Arizona still hanging on the limbs of his family tree.

My childhood was uncannily like Augusten Burroughs, of the Running with Scissors fame, but this particular uncle and his family were clearly the most “normal” in the bunch.  Running with scissors, was the story of my bizarre life as well.  We didn't go live with the therapist,  just many other people, and it took a long time for me to realize that the average kid didn't grow up inside upper-middle class crazy.  I may have really just grasped that in the last several years.  On an extended trip, my brother and I spent some memory lane time, laughing hysterically (good word) about specific incidents, and kookiness from our childhood.  I don’t think we really knew this wasn’t the norm, until we saw the look of horror on my sister-in-law’s face and then decided we were clearly frightening her. Not everyone can appreciate the humor in Augusten's and my brother and my childhood.   Back in the day, when I spent time with this uncle and his family, it was like being shipped to a foreign land for me... so ordinary, peaceful, and what I perceived normal would feel like.  They were the Cleaver family from the 50’s sitcom, Leave It To Beaver.  Even their family photo was cheerful and wholesome.  Dressed in church attire, with movie star smiles,  they were the ideal family for me.  I loved being in their presence, mostly because it was different, and also because I  learned how to laugh... I laughed a lot.  Humor seemed to pervade every area of their lives, healthily humble,  the self-deprecating sort; but the kind that wasn’t biting or harmful: just accepting and honest.  Truth be told my mom’s entire family, humor was a huge part of my memories of big family gatherings.  Stories retold with wit, and laughter, never designed to make anyone feel bad, but clearly a way of looking at the brighter side of things.  A side that made you feel better about making mistakes, being human, finding a degree of cleverness and wit in our fumblings with our own nature.  I loved that about my mom’s family.... and,  it all came back to me when I visited my cousin and uncle last Saturday.  

I arrived early afternoon, and was surprised to see how rapidly my uncle has deteriorated since  I saw him a year or so ago.   He is 87.  That’s sometimes hard for me to imagine.   He looks the same in many respects as he did when he was a young man, not quite as robust, but, handsome.  Even his hair is still thick and luxurious.  He has a smile that’s a combination of mischief and flirtation, and his eyes twinkle, still.   His wit... oh, my goodness, his wit is as razor sharp as his intellect.  His body just moves slower now, like when a toy's batteries are getting low.  (I wonder what wit he would interject here).  Words seem more difficult for him to force out of his vocal chords.   You have to listen very closely to what he has to say in order to hear them.  It’s worth it.  His humor didn’t fail me.  I just felt at home and happy in the moment, in a space of levity and playfulness.   My cousin followed suit, never missing a beat, and I found myself totally aligned, tossing out the one-liners, and catch phrases right along with them, just like in the old days.  It was a badly needed reminder that no matter how dire the outside circumstances appear to be, we benefit greatly when we take off our prickly, protective armour (which I’ve been wearing a lot lately) and approach life, on life’s terms, engaging in a more positive game of wit, humor and laughter.  While the euphemism is true, "It is, what it is".... why not turn it around and find something humorous in what it is? 

When I got home, I recalled it was my humor that drew my soulmate to me, and a bond we shared. Few ever understood it, but it came natural to both of us, from first date.  One of my most treasured material possessions is a lively meditation book he inscripted with:  Dearest Rebecca... You have brought so much laughter into my life.  I will love you forever.   The name of the book?  Laugh- Thought I'd Die If I Didn't.  How could I make jokes about being downsized from the job I spent half a lifetime working so hard in? How was I able to laugh at my bald head at the tender age of 24 from some unknown cause and a condition called alopecia? How was I able to find laughter in living in a car?  How could he and I  joke about something so serious as addiction and the appalling behavior that often accompanied it?   How could he later joke about his cancer, his colostomy, and the mysteries of digestion, as he was getting used to his freshly butchered body and its new manner of functioning?  We did.  We joked about it all. A match created in heaven. We joked about our foibles, insecurities, disappointments, and accomplishments. It kept it all in perspective.  

Seeing my uncle this past week, I have him to thank, for this blessed reminder.  Maybe it is just one of those positive leftovers from my childhood; and maybe a coping mechanism. Or maybe, it’s just a good gene from that side of the family - optimism, lightheartedness and a desire to see people and incidents as they can be ....bizarrely human and humorous.   More likely, it is a general knowledge that life can be crazy, scary, and incredulous.     When life hands you those scissors, and it will, maybe the best way to navigate is use them, rather than letting them use you.  Cut your way out.  Be silly.  Do your scissor dance.  Most of all laugh.  It'll help keep you from falling on them.   You'll die if you don't.  WooHoo!  Thank you my dear, dear Uncle Henry for your legacy of wit and humor. 

Week Twenty-Five -Summer break..... from Facebook and other forms of social media.....WooHoo!

It’s time to take a sabbatical from the internet.   Being a writer, I can’t give it up completely as some of my research is done online.  I’m not minimizing the value of technology today, and I’ve written about this before; pros and the cons of our highly plugged in world.  They are calling this generation, Generation C, for connected.  I like Generation P  for plugged better.  We AREN'T connected to human beings anymore, at least not in a meaningful way.   And, that is one of the bigger cons.  What I am seeing, myself included from time to time, is a frightening shift in human interaction, being present, and an addiction to instant gratification.  If I counted the hours I’ve spent, specifically over the past 6-7 years online, getting to know people (dating sites or chat rooms of various kinds), instant messaging (don’t even need to get out of your jammies), handing out advice and spouting platitudes from the pulpit of my Facebook page, and playing games, I wonder....how many human beings  I've  missed out on meeting, had fun with, shared eye contact and stories and actually hugged, in comfort and appreciation. How much of real life and it’s wonder and juiciness have I missed over those years hiding out in shallow relationships, with avatars and screen names? 

I’ve also often used the public opinion of the Internet to determine my worth as a writer, and person,  dependant on the stat-counter hits on my blogs to gage the value of what I have to say. Or, even worse, comments from others on the blog, or Facebook, looking outward to affirm what I already know.  I am supposed to write.  That is in God’s plan for my life no matter what anyone says about it.  I know that.  So why are affirmations,  (sadly) so important to me? This is a character defect that I am working on eliminating this year.  I guess those (affirmations) can be just like other addictions... to  relationships, booze, drugs, food, now Social Media...  they only mask pain or fill you up for a short time. What does it matter what anyone else says?  The affirmation I need to practice hearing on a daily basis, comes from inside and says, “you are loved and worthy no matter what the outside world says.”  Here I was  placing my talent (and value) in the hands of others.

And, I wondered why I began to feel so lousy recently. 

The other side of it might be the place I found myself emotionally, again. I am an intensely social being.  I love people and being around them. I am loyal to a fault.  Intimacy is important to me and people’s secrets are safe with me. I am an unselfish, good friend. I know all this, in my heart.  I am also a relatively self-aware creature. I know my ups and downs, assets and faults like the back of my hand. I have a tendency to tolerate non-reciprocal relationships.  Many who know me, will tell you,  I can be too kind and go the extra mile down the people pleaser path, which I wrote about last month on my other blog http://www.examiningmyunexaminedlife.blogspot.com/2012/05/people-pleasingpart-one-of-two-being.html I knew I was feeling relatively rejected and rather lonely.  Attempts over the last months to get together with a number of friends just to engage in casual chats, share a meal, some fun, or an adventure have left me frustrated.  I get that stuff happens, but multiple cancellations, and too busy to get together, just not making time, or believing our friendship isn’t worthy of finding time... well, right or wrong, that left me feeling unimportant and wondering what the real message was.  All relationships ARE work and if we want to have the quality of friendships to sustain us and bring us joy, we need to make time for them.  I also know, friendships change and go by the wayside, and I felt like I was clearly getting a not so subtle hint to move on.  I got tired of reaching out to no avail and after a few months on end, it wore me down. I remembered Maslow's hierarchy of needs and a few years ago, I was struggling at that lower level, the safety stage, being unemployed, and many of the other fears and issues it represents.  The theory is, if those lower levels aren't taken care of, it affects the levels above it.  Recently, feeling sorely neglected in the love and belonging arena, I was struggling with esteem and self-actualization was becoming nigh on impossible.    Still, I walked through that feeling of being Ms. Cellophane, and ‘not important enough’ pretty well for a few months and did not let the demon of self-pity set in.  I cultivated the art of entertaining myself and did  a decent job at it.  But, after a time, especially for a social being like me, I was like a thirsty sailor stranded on a deserted island.  Craving some meaningful, in the flesh, (or even a voice on the telephone for God's sake) contact with another member of the human race.  I've come to know when people are in that state its next to impossible for THEM to reach out to others.  I couldn't anymore.  I was afraid of being cast aside and hurt even further.  It led me to a little social experiment... Hmmmm.....

I posted this on my Facebook page. 

 The results are in!  Out of 198 “friends”, I have none.  I am kidding here... somewhat. Oh, I did receive some comments about my post... Telling me I was not really alone. (Ummmm... yes.... I was).  I had millions of friends.(were they all taken up in The Rapture)?    One friend did tell me they loved me, and I believed them.  They lived very far away.  One friend actually hit the like button.  He apparently liked I was lonely. (case in point, most people don’t REALLY read what you have to say when on Facebook).  

Sure, it was a cheap, pathetic cry for help.  But, It did somewhat prove my theory about social media creating self-absorbed narcissists,  robbing us of our compassion and humanness.  And,  affirmation addicts hungry to feel like they matter.... ahem...


 It also reminded me of something I already learned four years ago, traveling for two months through Europe.  Two months.... no technology.  No television, telephones, or internet except for the occasional stop in a WiFi zone to post to a travel blog for loved ones back home,  and check email.  I experienced such joy and peace while I was gone.  Why?  First, no outside chatter of bad news, drama, crisis, or propaganda. Second, when you eliminate that in your life, you have time to connect on an intimate level.  With everything;  nature, people, the moment.  I heard in an interview last week, David McCullough who wrote the phenomenal "You're Not Special Speech", for his seniors at a Boston high school,  say, "In twenty-five years of teaching, the biggest change today in kids is they do not know how to be in the moment."  (the speech is a spectacular - google it for the full transcript if interested.  I could post the link here, but we are all already lazy enough.  It's a miracle our little mouse clicking fingers aren't painfully arthritic.  In Europe with no technology, what's left but the moment?  And what spectacular rewards I found there are in that space.... Many of my most intimate conversations took place there (face to face not on Facebook) sitting on a balcony overlooking some of the most beautiful waters in the world, stars lighting up the sky.  Talk about feeling connected;  to other people, the natural world, and God!  One of the most profound encounters of my life occurred with a young Italian girl when we discovered a common bond, language barrier be damned.  God spoke for us.  I miss that. Those random, uncontrived,  moments that can only be experienced getting out into the world. 

So, this was the week, to unplug the social media and little cyber games played; unless it's in person, like Scrabble or Monopoly, or maybe allowances will be made for  Just Dance as long as I am dancing with others.....for the summer at least.  I know I won't give up social media permanently, but a  summer vacation is a manageable amount of time to give it a rest,  and badly in order.  My spirit is hungering for a  return to meaningful connections, hugs, sharing,  and living a bit more, in the moment.  I think it will also free up some time to smell the roses, with or without old friends, get out and make new friends, and love on my loved ones, face to face. WooHoo to the freedom deactivating statcounters and social accounts is sure to bring. 

P.S. I’m not saying there isn’t some benefits to social media.  Facebook started a revolution in Egypt.  Hooray for the human desire to be free. And, if you've never taken a philosophy class or attend a church, it could be inspirational - - Socrates, Dr. Seuss,  and Billy Graham wannabees abound.  No offense meant, I love them all too.   And, of course, if you live in Antarctica..... 


P.P.S.  I think we should be scared.......spell check on my computer wants to capitalize the words Internet and Facebook,  like we capitalize Him, He, Creator and God.  Interesting.  


UPDATE:  Just discovered this article on CNN - Apparently I'm not alone in my opinions of how social media is destroying our relationships, self-esteem, privacy and security. Click here to read:
http://www.cnn.com/2012/05/30/tech/keen-technology-facebook-privacy/index.html#

Week Twenty-Four - Meditation - Flying beneath His wings

I’ve re- started religiously meditating every morning.   I’ve always engaged in a spiritual practice of sorts, every day, praying and reading meaningful, thought-provoking literature. Some days, I considered that meditation.  I've come to know, Prayer, Study, and Meditation are not the same thing. They are all three different... and important to me.  These days, I keep them separate, but they are all a part of my morning ritual.   Prayer is done before my feet hit the floor and that’s my turn to talk to God, thanking Him and asking him for guidance.   Meditation comes post a spiritual reading of the day and a cup of coffee.   Meditation is God’s turn. My part is to merely open up that channel, and breathe in space for Him to enter.  Some days, I feel Him.  Others, its just a great discipline in teaching me to just sit, breathe.... and let everything drift by; thoughts, images, sounds, and feelings in my body.  I rant about too much technology, but I have to admit, it’s been the acquisition of my smart phone awhile back that has allowed me to download a simple app that guides me through a 5,10,15 or 20 minute meditation. Sprawled comfortably in my big chair, phone in lap, I am up to 15 minutes now.   

I am happy to say, I am doing so much better with it!  I am learning, it’s easier to teach yourself to be the observer than to try to control it all.  In the old days, I was constantly chastising my mind to not “go there” or “be quiet”.  Now, I just observe the chatter, gently release it, and generally, it stops!  Amazing. This diligent practice has brought me to a place where I feel so connected with everything and everyone (most of the time).   It’s not an easy feeling to describe, being connected.  I’ll try.  To me, being connected is seeing things through a different set of eyes.  When I’m meditating, I feel like I am a soul, just borrowing this body for the purpose of experiencing and engaging the senses:  sight, smells, sounds.    The big picture makes more sense to me and I see meaning in almost everything.  My heart has become softer, gentler, kinder.  Its allowed me to view myself through the eyes of this Being, the One borrowing my body, in a kinder manner; less personal criticism, just gentle guidance.  That in turn has allowed me to see you (most of the time) in the same vein - not judging, knowing we are all here to learn. 

Meditation has made me want to spread my arms wide in praise and reach for all the goodness just waiting for me to accept.   Maybe some of it’s the sunshine and lovely days.  The sky has been bluer than I’ve seen it in quite some time... huge, cotton ball cloud formations arranged onto its canvas.  These are the kinds of skies I remember as a child, stretched out in the summer grass with friends, entertaining ourselves for hours, labeling the shapes and looking for signs... even back then. Look, an angel, blowing me a kiss!  Is that a bunny peeking over a rock over there? Even, giggling at the plumber’s butt crack, mooning me from the heavens.   Ahhh...the good old days, when creativity and entertainment came from our heads rather than electronic games. I’ve been mesmerized by the sky and the clouds this week.  

One afternoon, driving into work, glancing up at the azure sky, I saw a huge bird far off to my left.  It appeared to be carrying something and was approaching at a pretty good clip.  A few years ago, driving with a friend, the same thing happened.... sort of....  I saw this bird out of the corner of my eye.  It was a monster bird; I swear it was a pterodactyl,  and clutched in its talons, was some half devoured critter.  It must have just plucked it up off the highway and was trying to gain momentum in flying and carrying it away.  This disgusting sight came with inches of hitting the top of my car, as the beast bird released it and flew away.  It made my friend’s day - - my reaction to this horror, and he laughed for months about it.  

As I watched this other bird get closer, my first thought was, what are the odds of this happening twice in a lifetime?  The bird approached and was within my vision.  It was not the same image of the natural world’s feeding frenzy.  It was something inspiring.   What appeared to be dangling beneath, was, in fact, a smaller bird.  It wasn’t in the large bird’s mouth; it was flying tucked below the big bird’s wings.  In perfect unison, the little bird hung close, and allowed the power and protection of the bigger bird’s wing span to help maneuver it along.  In unison, the two birds moved through the sky in perfect melody.  The little bird was safe and soaring so much higher than was possible without the bigger bird’s mighty current.

The little bird is me.  My meditation practice allows me to connect with the omnipotence of a Source that will carry me so much farther than I could ever muster madly beating my wings against the force of the world alone.  Woohoo to the continuation of connecting with the wind beneath my wings on a daily basis.   

Week Twenty-Three - Goodness abounds in every generation - WooHoo!

This week I had the privilege of being exposed to some phenomenal young people.   For me, anyone under the age of 35 is young.  I know I’m getting older because I have the tendency to be a bit more judgemental about this life and times.  Some days, I just sound like my Dad.  I recall my parents shaking their heads and stamping my future with the seal of doom.  Why wouldn’t they too?  We were the Woodstock Generation, hippies with long hair, crazy hobo clothes, and strong opinions about everything.  The establishment, politics, love and sex.   The flip side, my generation also brought with it peaceful protest, woman’s rights, and a level of prosperity which we proceeded to spoil our own children into the art of materialism and the good life.  My complaint has been the way children have grown up today, with a lack of positive attention from parents that are both too busy working and accumulating stuff, having too much of that stuff, and  expecting too much stuff.  Good manners and appropriate language have been replaced by music lyrics which can downloaded as either clean or explicit.  (Seriously... does this contribute to the quality of the music?) A work ethic has been replaced by entitlement. (I’m not working for $10.00 an hour while I gain some experience and wait for the economy to improve.). And, a need to be the center of attention (Hey, the Kardashians became celebrities just by being over the top obnoxious).  I see our evolution has created a “next generation”  of selfish, entitled, rude, relatively lazy, narcissistic.... heathens!   Pretty strong words, but that was what I was beginning to see all around me.  

I live in a smaller town.  I don’t always get out to the see the bigger picture.  Many of the younger people that remain in these little ponds, aren’t exposed to the big world of opportunity and possibility that lies beyond their limiting borders.  Sadly, per capita, welfare, drug addiction and crime are rampant here. When you haven’t witnessed all the nuances and variety of  the big oceans out there; full of different species and terrain, there’s a tendency to remain in the safety net of what you know, rather than explore possibilities and take some risks. Sitting in a limited comfort zone of mediocrity and routine doesn’t lend for blossoming and growing into change makers.  I don’t think the economic times have been kind to these small towns either in allowing for creativity and opportunities for the young people growing up in them, but that’s a post for another time.  Bah-Humbug to this spoiled younger generation I thought.  

I had to take all of my negativity about our future resting in the hands of Generation Y back this past week.  I had the privilege to have lunch with a small business owner and his team of professionals.  This young executive, began his career in sales and marketing post college graduation.  After being dismissed rather unkindly and suddenly by a non-profit he had worked for a number of years, he reinvented himself.   In his 20’s!  He started his own business a few years ago, combining his love of technology (his generation is also called Generation C - for connected), and his experience in marketing and advertising.  His advertising and web design company is in demand in the non-profit sector as well as throughout the area. What sets him apart is his personal attention, finding the hot buttons that will best promote the business he is working with.  His youth,  and understanding of both technology today, as well as advertising make his sites popular and profitable.   His growth over the last few years has been phenomenal and he has added computer programmers, coders, and web-designers to his staff, all under 30 as well, and has recently  moved to a new, larger location.  

It doesn’t stop there for me this week.  God must have sensed I needed an attitude adjustment to my negative view of the younger generation today.  I got so much more than that.  I got an inspiration infusion.  I am in awe.

I took a closer look at one of the young women who babysat my little granddaughters for the past 10 years or so.  She has been a part of the family really and a tremendous mentor in their lives,   It’s always been her goal, while in College even, to change the world.  She’s bravely traveled, and experienced new cultures for the better part of the last 5-6 years.  Last year, she took a teaching position, through a Christian agency, in one of the most depressed parts of the United States, the hollers of Kentucky.  This young woman makes less money in a month than a minimum wager makes in a week. It’s been a tough road for her, being so far away from a family she loves, her friends, and inspire children whose goal in life is to follow in their parents footsteps and get on the rolls (welfare).  She simply feels called to be there, do her best and let God use her.  No anticipated outcomes, just a prayerful request to perhaps help one child to learn and maybe instill the desire in them to change their own world, by giving them some tools. 

One of her fellow College graduates is moving to Nepal to teach children there who have known nothing but oppression since birth.  More than 10,000 woman and children are trafficked across the border here every year.  This amazing young lady knows knowledge is power.  She wants to help bring learning and love to these people because she also knows enlightened people begin to change a country and its culture. 

Whenever I think of  world changers, my dear young friend from Chicago comes to mind.  She  has decided to apply everything she loves to a new business.  She’s an artist, an educator, and a hostess with the mostest.  Her new educational gallery has hosted fundraisers, bridal shower painting soirees, and provides lessons in engaging creativity.  She's worked hard, taken a huge risk,  and has never been happier in her life.  She truly feels she can move others by helping people to understand what the arts can do to change perspectives and encourage divergent thinking in a linear oriented world. She also knows what the arts can do to change the life of an underprivileged child. 

Young adults changing the world, taking risks,  putting others first, creating their own adventure.... that is what I was blessed to see this past week.  So, maybe the Boomers and Generation Y aren’t so different after all.  Or, maybe we see what we focus on and my horizon needs to see beyond the sunset of my small town. 

“It is from the numberless diverse acts of courage and belief that human history is shaped.  Each time a man stands up for an ideal, or acts to improve the lot of others, or strikes out against injustice, he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope” - Robert F. Kennedy

I am beginning to believe that has nothing to do with what generation we belong to.  It just spills over, one generation to another, into the heart of the world.  WooHoo.