Well, I did it! I completed a blog entry every week, the entire year of 2012. Is it wrong for me to say I won’t be sad at all to see this year come to a close? Expectations can be my Achilles heel, and I may have privately embraced a few last year. I expected to be whooping it up with new adventures and exciting challenges; larger than life, extravagant woohoo’s, and memorable events. Why not? I have worked hard on maintaining a positive energy for quite some time now.
I am tossing around the word FEARLESS as my word of the year for 2013 The Universe will reveal it to me between now and the New Year. This year, I’m choosing not to expect so much. But surely there is nothing wrong with a little envisioning. I would love for 2013 to be the year of external change; enjoyable, engaging, and most of all fresh and new. New friends, new jobs, new projects, new experiences, new home.... New.
I’ve changed this past year, no doubt about it. I wasn’t convinced of that for awhile, especially as the year has wound down. Things didn’t go my way often this year, or so I thought. I should know by now, even when life doesn’t seem to go my way, it’s not always about “our way” rather, the “best way” for us to grow. Perhaps the boredom, the silence, the inactivity, the lackluster... it’s all been so bare bones, maybe it was an opportunity to witness firsthand how much I have changed because there were no distractions. I witnessed myself approaching what I thought were useful beliefs and circumstances in a new way. Much differently than I have in the past, with eyes that actually were more loving, especially to me. After all, if I don’t honor me, how can I expect you to? Many days I felt like my brain was turning to mush with an unusual lack of meaningful or new social interaction; ankle shackled to financial fears and other insecurities as I remained unchallenged, and stagnating professionally. Yet, too scared to take a leap of faith and make a change. Most of all..... living in a place I now recognize, I outgrew before I even moved here. Stuck, stuck, stuck, in the mire of indecision and faithlessness.
I’ve had a million excuses. It’s just me. I am the sole support. I can’t walk away from responsibility. No one is able to help me. I have little support. Blah... de Blah...Blah... Blah! What was my word of the year for 2012 again? FREEDOM. It’s hard to be free when you’re all caught up in what other’s will think, and your own what if’s and martyrdom.
Then I began to notice, those sweet spots where change had taken place, probably not notable to my outer circles. But, to those who love me unconditionally, the few who have hung with me for a long time, or, those who have taken the time to get to know me this year, they can see it’s been a year of change. That change has been within. My soul is wiser; my heart is bigger. I’m kinder. I have a degree of serenity (most of the time) that isn’t dependant on a set of criteria like it has been in the past: a great job, travel, big adventures, or other people’s whims, moods, and opinions. I am grateful now for the simpler gifts, the ones life presents to me everyday. Wisdoms from my little girls, breakfast with besties, coffee clatches with my beloved daughter, the sun on my head after a series of dreary days, and a bright red and pink sunset, finger painted across the sky, on my way home from work. I’m more in tune with the connectivity to all of life and finding when I recognize it, I am of greater service and closer to living my purpose. I live authentically now.... out loud, no secrets, no shame, no hiding, no faking it until I make it. Not anymore. Hand made by God - a one of kind designer piece, rather than some cheap knock-off of what I think the world wants.
So, maybe that’s what it takes. A year of bone crushing sameness, drudgery, and simplicity to force those of us who thrive on change and challenge to seek it elsewhere - within. Not the woohoo’s I thought I would find in the beginning. Prince Charmings, Double-digit incomes, High Adventure. Acclaim. Yet, I have no regrets in discovering the best woohoos were inside me. I think those are the ones that lead us to the bliss we’re ultimately seeking. The rest is just candy... sugary sweet in that moment. Gives you a great high, for a time. Eventually the buzz wears off and you crash into facing yourself and life in the mirror. The difference now, I like what I see in the mirror and in my heart. I look forward, (without expectation of course) to those sweet treats doled out in good times by the material world. Just think how delicious they will taste, knowing they are just the cherry on top of the FEARLESS life I am now fully equipped to live.
Woo-Hoo to my year of reflection, struggle for authenticity, and finding out joy does not always equate to adventure, change, and a grandiose life. It can be arrived at when we begin to unveil layers of who we are, what makes us tick, and why we are here. What greater adventure could I possibly experience. In doing this, we open up to living in a state of awe and woohoo without definitions or restrictions.
As I was writing this, I realized, my word of the year for 2012 has shown up in so many areas of my life - FREEDOM. I am who I am. I am not defined by things of the world. I am not dependant on the whims of others. I am always loved no matter what. That is living FREE! Do you have any idea how it feels? Maybe 2013 should be the year to live FEARLESSLY. After, all when you are already FREE, why not?
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