Week Fifty- WooHoo to Opening up the Guest House....

I’ve been trying to recapture my zen.  Some bad things have happened recently, and I was shocked to see how quickly it all slipped away.  I labeled myself the wicked witch of the East because I sure melted into a puddle of yuck these past few weeks.  Ugliness didn’t simply inch its way back into my life again.  It came roaring in, leaving me gasping for breath with an intensity I hadn’t known before.  Rage...... is a new emotion for me.  Apparently, I’ve managed to bury that one deep under layers of other emotion or maybe even an addiction or two.  The end result was just an overall feeling of unwellness, mentally for sure, but surprisingly physical as well.   Anger, revenge, judgement, and then old tapes that said it was wrong to feel this.  The feelings of guilt that arrived were just an attempt to douse the out of control flames burning brightly.  Those were getting fueled by every abandonment, rejection, loss, and tragedy suffered in my lifetime.  Where did it all come from?  Good grief. 

Then, I  labeled myself as defective, once again.  A phony claiming to have a few good qualities that somehow had left the building, or were they ever even really there?    Character defects glaring back at me and taunting me with, “See... we ARE still here. You haven’t changed one bit.”  The voices in my head were cruel and out of control.  It didn’t help that I was virtually on my own in my anger.  People get frightened when you express that much emotion, and tend to back off in fear, get snitty back, or worse yet, try to minimize what you are feeling for you. Compassion was sorely absent, but then again, I wasn’t acting like the person they had come to know.   Perhaps they were afraid it was contagious too, and some of the venom would land on them.  I really felt abandoned (again) and zapped... powerless.  On some level though, I not only knew the anger was justified, and although it didn’t FEEL healthy in my body, I knew it was actually spiritually healthy for me to experience the emotion of it, fully.  It owned me for awhile.  I wouldn’t have ever welcomed it, but into about the second or third week of this process, I did recognize, it was teaching me something.  It was showing me, as frightening and negative as it was, I needed to own it. Once we own something, its power diminishes and we begin to get ours back.  My power came back just enough to be able to turn it over although my trust level with my Source was at an all time low.   I knew that I had to do that. The difference in turning it over this time was I did it for me.  No generosity of spirit, no attempts for folks to like me again because I was happy and fun... it was a case of pure selfishness.   I just didn’t like feeling and living in it.  Most of all I intuitively knew, in turning it over to my Source, that would be the only way I would be able to ever see rightly because  my Source is only capable of love. In love, my Higher Power guided me to this:   

The Guest House

by Rumi

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

Woo-Hoo to feelings! My guest house is fully open to them now.  Because I know there is a permanent Tenant here Who is better in tune than I am with what I need for my spirit to learn and grow.   And, wow... how timely for this to happen at the end of my year of woohoo. I thought so much of my year would be comprised of woo-hoo’s that reflected fun times, adventures, new endeavors.... It’s looking more like woo-hoo to the unexpected visitors, who have lit my path and changed me  this year.  I think I will dedicate the last two weeks to acknowledging them and expressing my gratitude for the role they have all played in my life.  WooHoo!