The week before I could feel myself spiraling into a vortex of grief and sad memories. Spinning around in my self-made Delorean, I was not enjoying my trip Back To The Future. Butterflies pounding away in my midsection were very real and they just didn’t seem to want to fly free. “D” day hung over my head like a guillotine and I couldn’t wait for it to drop; just get it over with. This happens to me every year at this same time, so I don’t know why it's always a surprise. No matter how many years pass, my soul knows, there are people who will always be missed.
If I’ve learned NOTHING else in the past few years, I’ve learned feelings shut off, stuffed inside, eventually do manifest in some very unhealthy ways, emotionally and physically. I've also learned I do have choices. And tools. I chose to acknowledge my sadness. I also picked up a few of the tools to help me navigate through it, in a healthy manner. Meditation is one of those tools. It allows me to go within, let thoughts and emotions flow, be what they are without judgement... feel what I’m feeling. Yep... there it was sadness. Huh.... how about that... I spent some time in the big chair by the fireplace, “leaking”, as the Grinch says when his heart grew ten sizes that day. I didn’t try to pin a label on it; You know the one that reads (with drama of course), " Here she sits, the tragic, grieving widow, full of regret. I recognized it really didn’t mean anything more than I needed to leak a little bit. Second, I spent some time, pouring my thoughts out on paper. Some of my best ah-ha moments arrive in the shape of words that swirl in my head first, then filter through my heart, onto a page. AH- HA.... He lives on and his spirit is always a part of me. The most powerful tool I chose to use to regain my balance (and my joy).... I spent a LOT of time in prayer.... waking prayer, sleeping prayer, on my knees prayer: asking, (maybe even begging a bit) for comfort and a little bit of lovin.... A kiss from heaven, please.
Prayers were answered in a big way! I essentially walked into a lovefest. Friends who took the time out of their day to touch in, reminding me what a great person he was and how much he loved me. A few made a sacrifice or two, just so I had an easier day with more peace and some laughter. (Thanks D- I know sushi isn't your thing...) Another dear friend surprised me with a generous gift even though she is hundreds of miles away. Great fodder for many provocative discussions as she and I travel a like minded path of pursuing better methods for taking care of our bodies! Hugs.
The biggest gift I received will be placed in my personal hall of fame as one of my finest. The sender didn't even have a clue how timely it was, but God did. It meant so much to me. It was personal, it was heartfelt, and there was a component of effort and sacrifice to it. It came out of nowhere from one of the unlikeliest sources. If someone was to ask me “Guess Who?".... this name wouldn’t have come up.... probably ever.” It wasn’t expensive, it was quite simple. But, it had my name on it. It was a me gift. It was a perfect gift sent by a purer heart than I had come to know; a genuine thoughtfulness I hadn't really experienced much of with this person, ever. The gift was full of wisdom, hope, and healing.
The blessing.... Not only did God answer my prayer for a little love, He also gave me a sampling of the fruits of forgiveness. This gift was a fruit cocktail. When we forgive, or are forgiven, a door opens up in our souls and allows The Light to enter. We then get to see others as God sees them rather than from a place of ego, hatred, and pride. It's from that place we are able to finally receive, joyfully.
I asked for a kiss from heaven. I got a make out session this week! WooHoo for the gifts we receive that allow us an up close and personal look at another’s true nature, and heart.
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