Week Forty-Two - Aging Gratefully.... WooHoo!

Last weekend was my birthday.  I’m thrilled to see every birthday arrive these days.   I’m not always crazy about some of the changes carved onto my face, and settling in my joints, but I do try to keep a positive outlook about all that too.  For now.  I am clinging to the precipice of middle age, taking better care of mind and body than I did even a decade ago, trying to prevent the plunge into old age. I know I’ll get there sooner if I allow my ego to tell me what I am not and cannot do... at my age!  It’s a gentler practice to look for the silver linings. 

Making up my mind to think positive about this aging gig has revealed some real gems!   When I think about a body that doesn’t move quite as quickly, I’m convinced that’s simply so I have more time to relax in the big chair in my den, contemplate the course of my life in front of a mesmerizing fire which lulls me into mindful and constructive reflection!    It’s important (at my age now), to correct any of those defects of character before I pass on to the other side, where some believe I might be judged. I personally don’t buy into this God of spiteful, human traits.   Rather I believe in karma, and lessons, and I  think I’ll get to come back to re-experience and correct anything I was marginal at in this lifetime.  Like self-confidence, accepting love, and self-forgiveness. 

My flexibility isn’t what it used to be either, but, I’m okay with that too.  I get more attention in Yoga class.  The instructor gently pushes my leg higher up and tells me to breathe into those muscles and joints.  That’s good advice for everyday living.  Just breathe.... into the occasional unbending rigidity of life, nourishing the cells into forgiveness, acceptance and then peace. 

And, then there's the issue of my body changing shape. No matter how hard I work at eliminating those little pockets of fat that have accumulated in spots I never had fat before, they hang on like a needy brood, clinging to my hips and tummy. That’s okay too. There are few things more nurturing than my sweet little pillow body of comfort and security that  provide my grandchildren and precious ones a place to settle into softness and the comfort of my unconditional loving arms. 

I look back at images of me at different decades of my life; age twenty, perfect flawless skin, tight body, lustrous hair;  barely recognizable. Who is that?  Is that me?  Lovely,   artistic almost... in a Madame Tussad’s wax museum sort of way, personality left to the eye of the beholder.    So much is missing.  Self-confidence. Authenticity.  Self-love.  Slow forward, witnessing the transition from joyful child, woman-child, mother of a child, motherless child, single woman, loved woman, heartbroken woman, wise woman metastasizing into this larger, wiser soul inside a diminishing physical form.  The wiser soul apparent in words, carriage, and behavior and much more beautiful,  adorned in abundant life experiences. And, all of this also reflected in the brilliance and excitement of unchanging eyes, deep and meaningful; dancing and joyous. 

The best thing about my birthday last week was the acknowledgement that my life has meant something to others.  Voice mails, emails, text messages,  all the modern conveniences, electronically planting hugs and kisses and awesome sentiments.  Cards, tokens, special gifts to touch and hold close to my heart when tangible support is needed to remind me, I was, and am loved. 

Weeks before my daughter asked me what I wanted for my birthday.  “ Do you have a list?” she asked.  I struggled with that. A Zumba tape, a purse, a Bullet handmixer, cute boots, books...It was hard.   I’ve had so much.  I’ve lived so much.  I’ve savored more than my share.   It's all come full circle, back to the realization,  there is no gift greater than being acknowledged,  in knowing you are in another's thoughts, you're valued;  you have made a difference to someone.  You are loved, just as you are; pillow tummy, laugh lines, occassional sarcasm, creaking joints.  Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.  

And because of (and in spite of) all those gifts, when I looked in the mirror this week, I saw a soul overflowing with blessings..... When I dared look even closer, past the worry line deeply gouged into my forehead, what I saw captured in the bright, greenish/blue eyes staring back at me, was amazement and gratitude at those reflections from others, in joint celebration of my life. 

Now, these legs of mine.... oh, my goodness... unchanged.... still "killer" after all these years!   WooHoo.