This week’s entry is greatly delayed. I knew when I started this commitment and journey to 52 weeks of woohoo some weeks I may have to dig a little deeper to unearth the joy. It was one of those weeks. First, the Presidential election took place, and as hopeful as I was, personally, the change I wanted to see didn’t happen. I did find some gratitude in my freedom to live in a country where I do get to cast a vote. But, I got caught up in the end result and decided that I must be the ONLY one that has gone through a rough ride under this President’s leadership. Poor me. I sure didn’t envision this chapter of my life looking like this, part time jobs being the new normal, without benefits, a declining unsaleable house worth 35% less than it was even six years ago, and growing bone tired of struggling and living it all, on my own. I found myself scared about the future (not where I should be living, for sure) and wanting our old enthusiastic country back, the one I read about, post WWII... A nation that values hard work and success, and breeds entrepreneurship and ingenuity. Rather than this new complacency that slowly allows government to creep in and take care of everything for everyone, as they quietly slip the knife in the brain to perform a lobotomy, cutting away desire, opportunity and creativity which so often seems to be scorned and penalized. Why don’t people admire success and look at it as an opportunity for learning and mentorship? Do people really want to be equal in what seems to me to be all the wrong ways, robotically marching in unison to the beat, like a Pink Floyd music video? Status Quo. I knew the picture I was painting in my head, was bit over the top. I also know I can be a drama queen in my thinking (and writing) mostly for effect, but, that was my opinion, and it’s one thing, so far, the government hasn’t yet stolen from me. So many choices are slowly being stripped away, for my own good they say; no drinking a pop over 16 ounces in New York, or driving without a seat belt, and soon I won’t have much choice over my health care provider (or lack of one). Rules, warning and regulations reign supreme over about every area of our lives, but today at least, I’m still allowed to think out loud and express my opinion. As if one man (a President) had the power to change things anyway. Yet, my own life experiences have proven time and again, if nothing changes, nothing changes. All this mental chaos, I knew on some level was counter-productive thinking; self-centered and negative, totally foreign to how I want to live my life today.
But, it continued.
Later in the week, someone who made a tremendous impact on my life in the past six years, passed away. She’d been sick for a year. We met in a truly serendipitous encounter and there was an instant connection and attachment. I intuitively knew she was put in my life for many reasons, opening the door to some childhood healing, and my mind to new spiritual thought processes that continue to blossom and serve me better than the God of my understanding in the past. We often put people on pedestals, especially those that possess something we admire, desire or see lacking in ourselves. We forget they too are human and when they fall off the pedestal, sometimes shattering, it’s hard to reconcile that they are still just human beings traveling their own path of hurt, healing, and learning their lessons too. This is what happened in this relationship. It’d disintegrated a few years ago, rightfully so for a variety of reasons, the most important being, it wasn’t conducive to my good self-esteem and the positive energy I wanted to draw into my life. I was torn and in a lot of mental anguish how to reconcile my feelings of gratitude to her for the gifts she brought into my life, with these newly learned lessons about boundaries and self-care, and walking away from unkindness, and unhealthy people and situations. It consumed me and left me in tears for a good part of the week. I was able to send her a letter before she passed and let her know of the gifts she brought into my life. I was able to pray for her family. I was unable to be hypocritical and attend her memorial service. I tried. My intentions were good, but when the day came, something inside stopped me cold. I’ve learned in the past few years to pay attention to that something inside. The old guilt of perceived public opinion at my failure to attend ate at me for a few days, but later dissipated when I honestly realized, what I was doing was really the best and most authentic thing to do... for me.
Then I started a 21 day meditation challenge headed up by Deepak Chopra. Rather than feeling all relaxed, warm and fuzzy, I was agitated, irritable and annoyed the first few days. What was the deal here? This clearly was not what I expected. Every personal affront, betrayal, and hurt was rising to the surface, triggered by the events of the past few weeks. I felt myself shutting down again. Closing off the doors to relationships, tuning out, and hibernating. I did have the wherewithal to continue my mediation practice and immerse myself in positive spiritual readings. I was watching a webcast interview with one of my favorite spiritual ladies, Iyanla VanZant. She was citing a passage in Neale Donald Walsch’s book, Conversations with God. “Whenever you declare to be something, everything unlike it will show up. So the minute you declare yourself to be healed, or at peace, whatever it is, everything unlike it is gonna show up to test you. So, remember, If you don’t have a test, you won’t have a testimony.”
My spiritual constipation shook loose. My feelings were all perfectly fine. It was normal to feel angry that I didn’t get my way, disappointed my guy didn’t win, conflicted about someone that gave me so much, yet, pushed so many childhood buttons related to self-esteem, rejection and abandonment. It was okay to grieve the losses. The meditation practice was just subconsciously pushing it to the surface, to see if I would handle it differently, this time.
I did. We can accept or reject the way we are treated by other people, we don’t need to feel guilty about stepping away and protecting ourselves from painful memories, as long as it is done kindly. I stepped away. I made peace with her while she was alive, acknowledging the gifts she brought into my life and I sent love and support to my friend’s family in their loss..... From a distance. I got over my doom and gloom attitude with state of the nation too, and discovered by wallowing in it, and spewing negative energy was not part of the solution. I can support, defend and do my part as a US citizen, to express my opinion to my congressman, vote, and personally contribute my time and efforts to implementing positive change. I can turn off/tune out the media with their subliminal sensationalism and terminology about "fiscal cliffs" and recessions.
Best of all, I indulged in an entire pint of Graeter’s Ice Cream.... Coconut Chocolate Chip. My world became a better place. WooHoo.
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