Week Forty-Seven and Forty- Eight - Meditation, Gratitude and Thanksgiving

I’ve moved beyond the three C’s...finally.  Crying, Conflicted and Confused seemed to be the state of my internal affairs the last few weeks.  Reminding myself, this too shall pass, and sticking with my 21 day meditation commitment with Deepak, some light has shone through the cracks of the wall I had built up again.  Maybe the meditation shook loose some more of the dust of old fears, and regret. I know surely there is a priceless, heirloom lying in wait, and all I need to do is recognize her and wrap my arms around her in gratitude and love. And, teach her to continue to protect herself when others dust starts to fly her way.  

I began meditation practice, rather sporadically, about 6-7 years ago.  I attended a psychic fair with a group of ladies, looking for nothing really other than to have a great time with my friends.  A male psychic picked me out of the crowd and said, “ This is for the blonde lady in the back of the room.”  As I looked around in search of “her”, he said, “No, I mean you.  I am talking to you.”  He then proceeded on and told me, “You are really good at praying and talking to God.  Now, you need to practice listening to God.”  I was confused.  How do I listen to God?  Meditation has been the answer; better than therapy and no stress over a bill in the mailbox. 

In a very recent meditation session I experienced a few of those sweet slices of pure mindless bliss and a voice within that whispered, “I love you so much.  Trust me.”   How can I not?  This voice was different than the annoying one that taunts my brain with so much nonsense.  Some days in the midst of the meditation, the mind behaves like a spoiled little two year old, stomping its feet and screaming, “Pay attention to me!”  It’s like a deceptive old wizard, standing behind the curtain, madly working the controls, trying to get me to listen to the voice of the great and powerful ego.  My goal is to reveal  what’s really waiting for me behind that curtain;  truth... unconditional support and love and Freedom.   Those occasional glimpses of what’s possible, makes me want to keep perfecting flipping the “off” switch and going within.  

The structured meditation challenge provided by The Chopra Center, and my commitment to it, has been a highlight and some days, I’ve practiced twice in one day. 

I was reminded once again, in the midst of the practice the other day, how powerless I truly am.  I have no idea why I think I exercise more control over my life than the Source who created the heavens and earth.  What an ego!   When you really ponder it for a while, one would think we would be so grateful that our only job is to be grateful and know in doing that, we receive a world of abundance.  Why can’t most of us just let go of outcomes and dance in the day? 

 My first sucker punch about control came when I discovered I had no power over my addiction to alcohol.  I had to let go and turn to something outside of my head, where will power and arrogance resided. Those weren’t working.  Shortly into sobriety I learned how little control I had over most things, specifically outcomes, when my mom was diagnosed with cancer.  There is nothing to fully engage that feeling of utter despair and complete powerlessness than disease.  I’ve gotten to repeat the lesson of powerlessness over and over in the loss of jobs, friends, heartbreaks, and finances from time to time.  I know this truth well.  We are ultimately powerless over outcomes in our lives.  The best we can do, is get on about the business of living, doing the legwork, being grateful for whatever comes our way, even if we have to drill it down. I do believe we have a choice in how we view the events in our lives.  Some of my gratitude lists from the past, captured in journals, look a little like this:

• I am grateful today that my broken heart has taught me to love myself just as much as I love someone else.
• I’m grateful to have known the soulmate love of my husband, powerful and nurturing even if I only had him for ten years.  Some never have it in a lifetime. 
• I’m grateful to have shared a sober year with my mom before she passed away.
• I’m grateful to have been able to spend two months in Europe before I lost my job.
• I’m grateful for some of the hardships I’ve undergone.  It’s made me a kind, understanding person capable of empathy,  in knowing how it feels to experience a loss, fight an addiction, be financially broke, get your heart broken, be scared to death, and fail. 
• I’m grateful for this unproven faith, and uncommon courage that tells me, quitting is not an option.  Resting awhile is okay.  Giving up isn’t.   
• I’m grateful today that I do believe beyond a reasonable doubt, rejection IS God’s protection. 

Glancing back through my journals, the traditional thankfulness for my health, family, home, job, has been there for the most part through the years.  The more profound entries are the ones, when the light bulb goes on and I recognize, there is always a seed of gratitude in every experience.  Not always (rarely) identifiable immediately, but ultimately, I can see a  grand pattern, and it’s one that winds into a belief,  our lives and events aren’t random.  

That’s what mindfulness and meditation is teaching me.  All I need to worry about, is the present.  Work hard, plan with no strings attached, embrace my heart’s desires, be real, live my life, follow the version of the golden rule which asks me to treat others, as THEY  would like to be treated.... listen.  The details are none of my business and simply a spiritual drain and a distraction. 

I’m grateful, for this meditation experience and my crazy, colorful, dysfunctional life.  Through both,  I’ve learned, I do have this tremendous Source of abundance, strength, hope, and love right here, anytime I choose to tap in.   The best way for me to access that power, is to go within and listen beyond the thoughts in my head.  

I leave you with a quote from one of my favorite icons, Elizabeth Kubler Ross,

“Learn to get in touch with the silence within yourself, and know that everything in life has purpose.  There are no mistakes, no coincidences, all events are blessings given to us to learn from.” 

Woo Hoo to meditation practice and the gratitude it breeds.  Happy Thanksgiving every day of your life. 

Week Forty-Six -- - - - - Testing... testing...

This week’s entry is greatly delayed. I knew when I started this commitment and journey to 52 weeks of woohoo some weeks I may have to dig a little deeper to unearth the joy.  It was one of those weeks.  First, the Presidential election took place, and as hopeful as I was, personally, the change I wanted to see didn’t happen.  I did find some gratitude in my freedom to live in a country where I do get to cast a vote.  But, I got caught up in the end result and decided that I must be the ONLY one that has gone through a rough ride under this President’s leadership.  Poor me.  I sure didn’t envision this chapter of my life looking like this, part time jobs being the new normal, without benefits, a declining unsaleable house worth 35% less than it was even six years ago, and growing bone tired of struggling and living it all, on my own. I found myself scared about the future (not where I should be living, for sure)  and wanting our old enthusiastic country back, the one I read about,  post WWII... A nation that values hard work and success, and breeds entrepreneurship and ingenuity.  Rather than this new complacency that slowly allows government to creep in and take care of everything for everyone, as they quietly slip the knife in the brain to perform a lobotomy, cutting away desire, opportunity and creativity which so often seems to be scorned and penalized.  Why don’t people admire success and look at it as an opportunity for learning and mentorship?  Do people really want to be equal in what seems to me to be all the wrong ways, robotically marching in unison to the beat, like a  Pink Floyd music video? Status Quo.  I knew the picture I was painting in my head, was bit over the top.  I also know I can be a drama queen in my thinking (and writing) mostly for effect, but, that was my opinion, and it’s one thing, so far, the government hasn’t yet stolen from me.  So many choices are slowly being stripped away, for my own good they say;  no drinking a pop over 16 ounces in New York, or driving without a seat belt, and soon I won’t have much choice over my health care provider (or lack of one).   Rules, warning and regulations reign supreme over about every area of our lives,  but today at least, I’m still allowed to think out loud and express my opinion.    As if one man (a President)  had the power to change things anyway.  Yet, my own life experiences have proven time and again, if nothing changes, nothing changes.  All this mental chaos, I knew on some level was counter-productive thinking;  self-centered and negative, totally foreign to how I want to live my life today. 

But, it continued. 

Later in the week, someone who made a tremendous impact on my life in the past six years, passed away.  She’d been sick for a year.  We met in a truly serendipitous encounter and there was an instant connection and attachment.  I intuitively knew she was put in my life for many reasons, opening the door to some childhood healing, and my mind to new spiritual thought processes that continue to blossom and serve me better than the God of my understanding in the past.   We often put people on pedestals, especially those that possess something we admire, desire or see lacking in ourselves.  We forget they too are human and when they fall off the pedestal, sometimes shattering, it’s hard to reconcile that they are still just human beings traveling their own path of hurt, healing, and learning their lessons too.  This is what happened in this relationship. It’d disintegrated a few years ago, rightfully so for a variety of reasons, the most important being, it wasn’t conducive to my good self-esteem and the positive energy I wanted to draw into my life.  I was torn and in a lot of mental anguish how to reconcile my feelings of gratitude to her for the gifts she brought into my life, with these newly learned lessons about boundaries and self-care, and walking away from unkindness, and unhealthy people and situations.  It consumed me and left me in tears for a good part of the week.  I was able to send her a letter before she passed and let her know of the gifts she brought into my life.  I was able to pray for her family.  I was unable to be hypocritical and attend her memorial service. I tried.  My intentions were good, but when the day came, something inside stopped me cold. I’ve learned in the past few years to pay attention to that something inside.  The old guilt of perceived public opinion at my failure to attend ate at me for a few days, but later dissipated when I honestly realized, what I was doing was really the best and most authentic thing to do... for me.  

Then I started a 21 day meditation challenge headed up by Deepak Chopra. Rather than feeling all relaxed, warm and fuzzy, I was agitated, irritable and annoyed the first few days.  What was the deal here?  This clearly was not what I expected.  Every personal affront, betrayal, and hurt was rising to the surface, triggered by the events of the past few weeks.  I felt myself shutting down again.  Closing off the doors to relationships, tuning out, and hibernating.  I did have the wherewithal to continue my mediation practice and immerse myself in positive spiritual readings.  I was watching a webcast interview with one of my favorite spiritual ladies, Iyanla VanZant.  She was citing a passage in Neale Donald Walsch’s book, Conversations with God.  “Whenever you declare to be something, everything unlike it will show up.  So the minute you declare yourself to be healed, or at peace, whatever it is, everything unlike it is gonna show up to test you. So, remember, If you don’t have a test, you won’t have a testimony.”   

My spiritual constipation shook loose.  My feelings were all perfectly fine.  It was normal to feel angry that I didn’t get my way, disappointed my guy didn’t win, conflicted about someone that gave me so much, yet, pushed so many childhood buttons related to self-esteem, rejection and abandonment.  It was okay to grieve the losses.  The meditation practice was just subconsciously pushing it to the surface, to see if I would handle it differently, this time.  

I did.  We can accept or reject the way we are treated by other people, we don’t need to feel guilty about stepping away and protecting ourselves from painful memories, as long as it is done kindly. I stepped away. I made peace with her while she was alive, acknowledging the gifts she brought into my life and I sent love and support to my friend’s family in their loss..... From a distance.  I got over my doom and gloom attitude with state of the nation too, and discovered by wallowing in it, and spewing negative energy was not part of the solution.  I can support, defend and do my part as a US citizen, to express my opinion to my congressman, vote, and personally contribute my time and efforts to implementing positive change. I can turn off/tune out the media with their subliminal sensationalism and terminology about "fiscal cliffs" and recessions.  

Best of all, I indulged in an entire pint of Graeter’s Ice Cream.... Coconut Chocolate Chip.  My world became a better place.  WooHoo.