Week Ten....Adieu to Onling Dating! Woohoo!

Well, I lasted a little over two weeks!  Nothing much changes in the world of online hook-ups.  For the past 7 years, I have be-bopped on and off several dating sites.  Part of the attraction was curiosity, the other part was clearly more self-serving.  I was looking for someone to make me feel better.  You know, some random guy to reinforce that I was still attractive, intelligent, fun, and desirable;  all of the things I should have already known about myself, but forgot.  When we let others write our bio and tell us who we are, we can lose our way.   I had fun with it in its newness the first time around and built quite a resume of interesting and rather cool dates and stories.  My own personal experiences went far beyond the hilarity of the “Must Love Dogs” book so popular in 2005-06 when I was in the heat of my dating addiction.  Several long term relationships evolved from the online connections, highly dysfunctional, but looking back, destined to happen.  We attract what we need to learn about ourselves. I learned some powerful things.  

 It occurred to me at the end of the last heartbreak a few years ago, a connection formed online, there just might be a common denominator here.  If I was cruising the profiles looking for someone to help me escape, stroke my rather delicate ego, and heal my own lack, might not the dudes I was seeking be doing the same thing? 

There were the married ones, subversively posing as single men to inject a little excitement in their half-dead lives.  Those made up at least a quarter of the profiles.  I’ve since learned that women play that game too.  

Then there was the newly divorced who hadn’t had random sex in 25-30 years, building a brothel of female profiles to call on every night of the week.  You knew you bumped into one when you’d see their online activity button lit up like a NYC skyline 24/7....  Another dead giveaway... they’re on the site for YEARS at a time.  They write into their profiles,  “looking for women from age 20-60.”    You had to give them credit for their overabundance of confidence.  The reality they don’t really look like a 20 year old (or even 40 year old) dream date, eludes them. They see pecs in the mirror, I see man boobs.  They see Telly Savalas.  I see Yoda.  I guess that’s not all bad.  Women could use a dose of this self-confidence.  As a general rule, we ladies all seem so critical of our appearance. 

And then, of course, pathetically..... There's the heartbroken, or newly widowed, lonely and needy, convinced that if someone new just came into their life, the grief would leave. That was me.......then.  

This time around,  I consider myself a nice human being with boundaries and good intentions.  Not wanting to hurt anyone’s feelings, I found it difficult to just ignore requests for communication that were simply ludicrous. What goes around comes around, and there’s never an excuse to be unkind.  But, seriously, to the twenty-something guy, I’m flattered but I would always be waiting for the cops to bust down the door and arrest me for contributing to the delinquency of a minor. The nice man holding up  the deer antlers, please know the extent of my hunting expertise is limited to looking for my car keys.  While the guy holding his little doggie up for everyone to see was endearing, I could easily see man’s best friend would always be his best friend.  Seriously, did anyone read what I enjoyed, my hobbies, and taste?  I just couldn’t drum up the heartless bitch anymore and respond with my signature sarcasm of days gone by.   

What I found in one short week was essentially I had grown up. What was fun, was in the past, and that was mostly because it was new.  You can’t go back.   Now a little older and wiser, the game had become really unattractive, mind-numbing, tedious, and moderately immature.  Self-acceptance, awareness and confidence soaring, I discovered I just didn’t want to be winking back and forth to some random man’s picture, posting lame comments, or zoning out to all that was waiting offline to be experienced. I was THE WORST at online dating this time around.  Maybe I didn’t want it that bad.  Or, maybe even more, I didn’t NEED it that bad.  When I canceled my membership, the website informed me we must “work it” to find our perfect match and clearly, they didn’t think I did. I disagree.  I don’t think we ever have to “work at” finding our perfect match. Those fulfilling and meaningful connections generally come as serendipitous encounters while we are out and about living in the world. 

I have a very full life.  I am content with myself most days. I have lots of love, all around me.  I also now recognize, if I’m not happy single, I won’t be happy “taken” either.  Happiness comes from within, not from another human being.  That’s called codependency.

So, WooHoo to further progress in coming even closer to a real appreciation for my life just as it's evolving.   It’s a journey.  I don't want to go back.  I want to move forward.  I’d rather be a participant than a spectator constantly looking and watching from behind the safety of a computer screen! I'm thinking being the WORST at online dating might just be a compliment!  WOOHOO!