Week Thirteen- Vulnerable and Exposed For Good - WooHoo!

That suffocating sense of being overwhelmed and stuck at the same time has begun to diminish.  There’s nothing pleasant about feeling immobilized by indecision, or fear -or allowing perfectionism to stop you in your tracks. When you're there, it's like trying to jog in quicksand.  You get tired easily and soon discover you aren't going anywhere.  As a result of all of those feelings, I found myself slipping into “the mode” again.  Hadn’t seen her in years, at least to the degree she displayed when trying to make her comeback recently.  Tough little girl. I don’t need anyone. You can’t count on anybody. Do it yourself. Don’t ever let them see you weak, cupcake.  YOU... tuck that heart and soul away... high and tight; got it?   Put on your best martyr-bitch attire because that’ll keep ‘em at bay.   Boy, I recognized her, but didn’t really much like her or want to be her, not anymore.  Although, I did sigh a little bit at those thoughts of her skinny little body  and wouldn’t mind having that back again.  Maybe not. She really didn’t value it, or herself much, at that time either. 

 I didn’t truly want to keep anyone at bay and I surely didn’t want to live thinking like that anymore.  If that was what the Universe was telling me, I intuitively knew it was time to move my own cheese.  Change something.... anything, do something different. Putting on my best sarcastic, bad-ass, who cares attitude, wasn't doing something different.  I already had lived that way quite a few years ago. 

Finally, some relief.  I got a little help from my beloved family and some great advice with the promise of more help from a few friends. THANK YOU!   Second, I  sat down, brainstormed options,  and came up with a different game plan that just might attract some better energy by heading in a new direction. Sometimes it's better to turn around and have the wind at your back rather than trying to charge right into the tornado.   I had been praying all along, but His voice wasn't discernible to me and I was getting highly frustrated. I got advice too. Some unsolicited, but, perfectly poised, with a razor sharp timing.  It always amazes me when that happens. I should know by now,  it's God using others to send His message.   I don’t know about you.  Maybe you’re one of the chosen ones.  We all know them.  Those “special people” God personally calls on, for coffee and conversation. Like Eckart Tolle or Wayne Dyer.   I can clearly see Wayne Dyer has worked hard, for years and years, on his spiritual condition, so it makes sense he’s been granted intimacy status with the Big Kahuna, but Eckart Tolle?  What did he do to gain admission to God’s private quarters?  A suicidal meltdown and then, voila in a millisecond he gets enlightenment and hears the voice?  Why did he rate?   My sarcasm monster is taking over.  It always does when I am feeling hurt.... or envious.  It's like wrestling with knowing you aren't the favored child.  Messages from God and His voice aren’t always so obvious for me. I get confused by the words I hear in my head.  Are they from God?  How come then, they really sound more like my ego, reinforcing what I want to hear?  I think my God knows this and so I won’t get  even more confused,  speaks to me predominately through other people, with a few nudges;  in nature, media, and mystical synchronicity tossed in to keep it exciting.  Sometimes you just don't see them and a coffee klatch with Him would be the easier softer way. That's what I was hoping for. 

I’ve learned to watch what you pray for, and what you say....   I told my girlfriend last week, “I think the message God's sending me is, until I become at peace with living here, I'm not going anywhere.” An email (in gigantic font)  from her simply said, “Paste this on your bathroom mirror. 

“The message God's sending me is, until I become at peace with living here, I'm not going anywhere!”  

Touche’. God spoke. 

 Another young friend was sympathetic to my woeful tale of how my creativity muscle had not only dried up but, atrophied and I felt about as creative as a chemistry text book these days.  She told me to write a reflection.   And, then she sent me an inspirational TED video on Oneness and Creativity.  God sent inspiration.

When conflicted about a work situation that was sadly becoming increasingly intolerable, through no fault whatsoever of the great people I get to work with everyday, another friend suggested I ask for a different arrangement.   God advised. 

The increasing pressures of a decaying older house, limited funds, and an inability to take care of some of things I thought were needed to change my living arrangements, has been simply overwhelming and consuming me.  Finally sharing those fears  brought forth a surprising number of friends who offered up their feedback, talents and time to help me present the white elephant in a better light.  They also reassured me that sometimes, it’s okay to walk away from things when we have tried our best, to no avail. To walk away does not mean I am a failure.  It simply means I know when to let it go.  God reassured. 

All these  personal issues, left untold, unshared and festering in my mind, weren’t getting resolved  cloistered up inside my Warrior apparel raging at the unfairness of life’s processes.   I was blocking my own creativity and solutions.  Praying for answers and then expecting them to arise from a mind that is shut off from Light is relatively useless.  I do need others.  I don’t want to wear the breast plate and headdress anymore and wave my sword madly at the issues and disappointments life hands every one of us from time to time.   I am beginning to see the obstacles are in my path, so that I learn how to pay attention to His voice in Its many forms.   I think that's how I am to grow my spiritual life and intimacy with my God.  By being vulnerable, asking, and expecting to receive.  

This was a better week.  I shared and I listened.  That’s what relationship is about, anyhow, back and forth, give and take, whether it’s with our God, or with his messengers.   

I’m ready for something new.  I am ready for a change.  I AM  getting more comfortable living here, right where I am, for today, in this house, town, State and most of all in this body.  It feels better with the brick walls and the defenses stripped away.  Exposed, soft and vulnerable.  Soft doesn’t mean without courage.   Just the opposite.  Soft means pliable, flexible and able to bend and withstand without breaking.   Vulnerable and beautifully naked, like a baby, forever growing and learning.  

On a much lighter note, speaking of naked... A little update on my fitness endeavors of the past several months.  I have a waistline again!  When I saw my shadow on the sidewalk the other day, it looked like this )   ( rather than this (      )!   An exercise in self-love yesterday was stripping down pre-shower and through one squinted eye,  I  reviewed my backside, gazing into the hand mirror which was directed at the mirror on the wall.  While certainly not the fairest of them all, it still was a Wow!  As both eyes popped open wide in delight, I thought,  not bad at all... for an old broad who sits on that big muscle a good part of the day!  Then, I made the mistake of turning around face forward and Yowled! (a combination of a howl and a yelp)  Yep, the fupa around my middle is still there, much smaller and better.  I can actually suck it in now which means there are SOME muscles hiding underneath. I am attributing the improvement to  my "Moves by Jagger"  Zumba Class, and Spinning across the moon recently.  But, for now,  backing out of a room will showcase my best side.     


Maybe it's  time to kick in some Pilates or consistent Yoga practice, buy myself a fresh new Yoga DVD and focus on the front side too.  So, I got on Amazon and guess what I found?  I’m not sure I’m completely ready for this yet. Being vulnerable feels great and this truly would be an exercise in  stripping oneself bare.... 

Nahhhhhh..... baby steps, baby steps!  Woohoo to exposing it emotionally and spiritually anyhow.  I have permanently buried an older version of me this week, and turned a massive corner.