Baby, You’re a Firework.... Week Twenty-Eight

Fourth of July celebrations have gone on all week.  I think part of stretching it out was because it fell in the middle of the week.  It’s been a celebration somewhere every day since June 30th;  festivals, light shows, farmer’s markets, community gatherings, and summer fun.  I love it all.  Sunshine, and summer (even in this intense heat) tickles my endorphins into waves of pleasure.  I knew that would happen too if I just got out and about in it, paid attention to the voice in my head that said, “Lady, put your hands over your head (in gratitude and delight) and back away from the computer screen.”   About four weeks now, Facebook and ALL other social media free!  WooHoo.  Amazingly, the authentic human touch I have been seeking has found me.   New connections and old, just by getting out there more.  I feel like an actor in the Toyota Venza commercial,whopping it up while others add “friends and networks" to their Linkedin and  Facebook collections.  Maybe I need to buy a Venza too.   A friend, who couldn’t reach me on Facebook, sent a card, (a real paper one... in the mail)  telling me they missed me and wanted to get together, but didn’t have my phone number, so call.   Just the sort of authentic social interaction I was seeking.  While its great to know my posts are missed, I’d rather have a real hug and hear the sound of your laughter.  What a breath of fresh air to see I’m not alone.  Whew....Not everyone is finding fulfillment cloistered behind a screen emailing, playing games, chatting, and friending.  A few others contacted my daughter to make sure I was “ok”.... Our lives are too inertwined with all the little boxes in our world. That’s been on my mind a lot lately as I ponder my last Opinion Shaper column coming up.  I wrote about technology stealing bits of our humanity,  once,  a long time ago, on my other blog.   Cyber sex, dating, gaming, skyping, texting... hiding out  and isolating behind our technology.  Last week I heard a young person say they thought part of the appeal is social media fills the need to be connected with others without the potential pain of real relationships.  What? Or, as the younger people would type... WTF!   Maybe that is the case....no real intimacy or accountability involved. I’ve been dumped via text message, which might not have been so tough if I had never gotten to intimately know and genuinely care about my Mr. Dumpster man.  If he had just been some random avatar I rendezvoused with by the blue light of the computer screen. Perhaps this young lady is right.  The perfect fit for those who care more about comfort zones and keeping yourself safe.  It does come at the expense of also feeling genuine joy, real love and intimacy, sharing, touching, exploring, and the growth that can come from knowing and healing your real broken heart.  

However, this new technology has brought with it a few gifts.  I now have this great phone that seriously is smarter than me. A little unsettling, but no matter where I am, I can take pictures!  I’m a photo gal and while living in the past is something I strive to avoid, I must admit, my pictures have a way of evoking memories of all the best parts of my past.  Even on difficult days they warm my heart and bring back that joy I felt the first time around.  Rarely, do pictures make me sad anymore.  I am just  immensely grateful for the opportunity to have created those memories and images. I used my phone a few times this week to record the spectacular display of fireworks I witnessed.  

Not all the fireworks I saw were in the sky.  My two older granddaughters were in the play Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat this weekend.  The youngest one was in the children’s chorus.  Her stature was too tiny for a part as one of the spouses of Joseph’s many brothers, but, it didn’t matter her part was small.   You would have thought she had the starring role. Her little pigtails, bounced to the beat of her energy.  She smiled big, flirted with the audience, and lit up the stage with her presence and love of entertaining.  Not too often do folks comment on a single individual in a chorus.  Everyone did.  Her joy was infectious.  From babyhood, she's always loved the limelight.  My oldest granddaughter played the part of one of the brothers' wives and had as many dance numbers as she did costume changes.  She has an incredible voice, a gift from her momma, but hasn’t always had confidence in being in front of an audience, and in the past, it’s come across when she was on stage.  Not this year.  The blossoming of a young lady who is getting comfortable in her own skin, was a dream come true for her parents, and me.   That wasn’t the half of it.  We always think our own children and grandchildren are beautiful, but this young girl, my own precious Alex, was notably gorgeous.  Especially decked out in her Egyptian garb, white gown with gold trim, gold head band, and painted Egyptian eyes.  Her dad was stunned....and scared.  I wiped a few tears.  She looked as comfortable being a Cleopatra look alike as if she was the real deal from some past life.  Oddly, when she was a little girl, she was enthralled with the mysteries of King Tut and the pyramids.  Hmmm.....Just sayin........

I love this stage of my life... this place where I can recognize, I had my day, my time to shine.  I know what it feels like.   It felt great. But, you know what?  It pales in comparison to supporting and watching the evolution of my family, young friends, and others coming into bloom, as they recognize they have that spark too.  They just have to keep opening those doors until they find their own road so they can show the world their worth, be an original, be the rainbow, as Katy Perry so powerfully sings.... 

Just own the night like the 4th of July... Make em go, OH, OH, OH, as you shoot across the sky.... C’mon let your colors burst.  Boom, boom, boom.... even brighter than moon, moon, moon! 

 WooHoo. Baby, we are all fireworks....no two exploding into the fullness of color and design at the same time or in the same way.  Sometimes its much more fulfilling to mindfully wait and watch and see what will light up the sky next. It’s great I captured those images for myself to revisit,  but seriously, I’ve always had much more fun watching the real deal in all its glory!  

Week Twenty-Five -Summer break..... from Facebook and other forms of social media.....WooHoo!

It’s time to take a sabbatical from the internet.   Being a writer, I can’t give it up completely as some of my research is done online.  I’m not minimizing the value of technology today, and I’ve written about this before; pros and the cons of our highly plugged in world.  They are calling this generation, Generation C, for connected.  I like Generation P  for plugged better.  We AREN'T connected to human beings anymore, at least not in a meaningful way.   And, that is one of the bigger cons.  What I am seeing, myself included from time to time, is a frightening shift in human interaction, being present, and an addiction to instant gratification.  If I counted the hours I’ve spent, specifically over the past 6-7 years online, getting to know people (dating sites or chat rooms of various kinds), instant messaging (don’t even need to get out of your jammies), handing out advice and spouting platitudes from the pulpit of my Facebook page, and playing games, I wonder....how many human beings  I've  missed out on meeting, had fun with, shared eye contact and stories and actually hugged, in comfort and appreciation. How much of real life and it’s wonder and juiciness have I missed over those years hiding out in shallow relationships, with avatars and screen names? 

I’ve also often used the public opinion of the Internet to determine my worth as a writer, and person,  dependant on the stat-counter hits on my blogs to gage the value of what I have to say. Or, even worse, comments from others on the blog, or Facebook, looking outward to affirm what I already know.  I am supposed to write.  That is in God’s plan for my life no matter what anyone says about it.  I know that.  So why are affirmations,  (sadly) so important to me? This is a character defect that I am working on eliminating this year.  I guess those (affirmations) can be just like other addictions... to  relationships, booze, drugs, food, now Social Media...  they only mask pain or fill you up for a short time. What does it matter what anyone else says?  The affirmation I need to practice hearing on a daily basis, comes from inside and says, “you are loved and worthy no matter what the outside world says.”  Here I was  placing my talent (and value) in the hands of others.

And, I wondered why I began to feel so lousy recently. 

The other side of it might be the place I found myself emotionally, again. I am an intensely social being.  I love people and being around them. I am loyal to a fault.  Intimacy is important to me and people’s secrets are safe with me. I am an unselfish, good friend. I know all this, in my heart.  I am also a relatively self-aware creature. I know my ups and downs, assets and faults like the back of my hand. I have a tendency to tolerate non-reciprocal relationships.  Many who know me, will tell you,  I can be too kind and go the extra mile down the people pleaser path, which I wrote about last month on my other blog http://www.examiningmyunexaminedlife.blogspot.com/2012/05/people-pleasingpart-one-of-two-being.html I knew I was feeling relatively rejected and rather lonely.  Attempts over the last months to get together with a number of friends just to engage in casual chats, share a meal, some fun, or an adventure have left me frustrated.  I get that stuff happens, but multiple cancellations, and too busy to get together, just not making time, or believing our friendship isn’t worthy of finding time... well, right or wrong, that left me feeling unimportant and wondering what the real message was.  All relationships ARE work and if we want to have the quality of friendships to sustain us and bring us joy, we need to make time for them.  I also know, friendships change and go by the wayside, and I felt like I was clearly getting a not so subtle hint to move on.  I got tired of reaching out to no avail and after a few months on end, it wore me down. I remembered Maslow's hierarchy of needs and a few years ago, I was struggling at that lower level, the safety stage, being unemployed, and many of the other fears and issues it represents.  The theory is, if those lower levels aren't taken care of, it affects the levels above it.  Recently, feeling sorely neglected in the love and belonging arena, I was struggling with esteem and self-actualization was becoming nigh on impossible.    Still, I walked through that feeling of being Ms. Cellophane, and ‘not important enough’ pretty well for a few months and did not let the demon of self-pity set in.  I cultivated the art of entertaining myself and did  a decent job at it.  But, after a time, especially for a social being like me, I was like a thirsty sailor stranded on a deserted island.  Craving some meaningful, in the flesh, (or even a voice on the telephone for God's sake) contact with another member of the human race.  I've come to know when people are in that state its next to impossible for THEM to reach out to others.  I couldn't anymore.  I was afraid of being cast aside and hurt even further.  It led me to a little social experiment... Hmmmm.....

I posted this on my Facebook page. 

 The results are in!  Out of 198 “friends”, I have none.  I am kidding here... somewhat. Oh, I did receive some comments about my post... Telling me I was not really alone. (Ummmm... yes.... I was).  I had millions of friends.(were they all taken up in The Rapture)?    One friend did tell me they loved me, and I believed them.  They lived very far away.  One friend actually hit the like button.  He apparently liked I was lonely. (case in point, most people don’t REALLY read what you have to say when on Facebook).  

Sure, it was a cheap, pathetic cry for help.  But, It did somewhat prove my theory about social media creating self-absorbed narcissists,  robbing us of our compassion and humanness.  And,  affirmation addicts hungry to feel like they matter.... ahem...


 It also reminded me of something I already learned four years ago, traveling for two months through Europe.  Two months.... no technology.  No television, telephones, or internet except for the occasional stop in a WiFi zone to post to a travel blog for loved ones back home,  and check email.  I experienced such joy and peace while I was gone.  Why?  First, no outside chatter of bad news, drama, crisis, or propaganda. Second, when you eliminate that in your life, you have time to connect on an intimate level.  With everything;  nature, people, the moment.  I heard in an interview last week, David McCullough who wrote the phenomenal "You're Not Special Speech", for his seniors at a Boston high school,  say, "In twenty-five years of teaching, the biggest change today in kids is they do not know how to be in the moment."  (the speech is a spectacular - google it for the full transcript if interested.  I could post the link here, but we are all already lazy enough.  It's a miracle our little mouse clicking fingers aren't painfully arthritic.  In Europe with no technology, what's left but the moment?  And what spectacular rewards I found there are in that space.... Many of my most intimate conversations took place there (face to face not on Facebook) sitting on a balcony overlooking some of the most beautiful waters in the world, stars lighting up the sky.  Talk about feeling connected;  to other people, the natural world, and God!  One of the most profound encounters of my life occurred with a young Italian girl when we discovered a common bond, language barrier be damned.  God spoke for us.  I miss that. Those random, uncontrived,  moments that can only be experienced getting out into the world. 

So, this was the week, to unplug the social media and little cyber games played; unless it's in person, like Scrabble or Monopoly, or maybe allowances will be made for  Just Dance as long as I am dancing with others.....for the summer at least.  I know I won't give up social media permanently, but a  summer vacation is a manageable amount of time to give it a rest,  and badly in order.  My spirit is hungering for a  return to meaningful connections, hugs, sharing,  and living a bit more, in the moment.  I think it will also free up some time to smell the roses, with or without old friends, get out and make new friends, and love on my loved ones, face to face. WooHoo to the freedom deactivating statcounters and social accounts is sure to bring. 

P.S. I’m not saying there isn’t some benefits to social media.  Facebook started a revolution in Egypt.  Hooray for the human desire to be free. And, if you've never taken a philosophy class or attend a church, it could be inspirational - - Socrates, Dr. Seuss,  and Billy Graham wannabees abound.  No offense meant, I love them all too.   And, of course, if you live in Antarctica..... 


P.P.S.  I think we should be scared.......spell check on my computer wants to capitalize the words Internet and Facebook,  like we capitalize Him, He, Creator and God.  Interesting.  


UPDATE:  Just discovered this article on CNN - Apparently I'm not alone in my opinions of how social media is destroying our relationships, self-esteem, privacy and security. Click here to read:
http://www.cnn.com/2012/05/30/tech/keen-technology-facebook-privacy/index.html#