Week Thirty-Five - The hell with acceptance... Yearn on, baby, yearn on......

Can a person drop into acceptance so deeply they lose their desire and dreams? I’ve had to stop and think about this in the past week.  

Last week I went to fundraiser with a friend, to support the restoration of a lovely, local landmark.  On the way home we chatted about the current events in our lives and I mentioned being so bone-crushingly tired recently; just too exhausted to do anything but drop into bed after work.  I rattled on trying to figure it out. “ I’m exercising, eating healthy, meditating, immersing myself in healthy thoughts.  Did I have some dread disease,  I mused, or was it just my body’s way of telling me to just honor it and rest?”  My friend looked at me, and said, “You’re depressed.”  A little miffed at the comment, I paused for a moment, and then said, “I don’t think I’m depressed, I think I am just resigned. I do find joy in things.”  My friend said, “Oh, I’m not saying you haven’t accepted things as they are.  I just think you aren’t stimulated and the type of person you are, change fuels you. You’ve spent your life, being challenged and challenging yourself, taking risks, and exploring, and that isn’t happening for you right now. You’ve settled in and are trying to acclimate to where you find yourself.  You don’t fit in that space. That’s draining your energy.” 

Well damn.  I think my friend was right.  Then, this quote screamed at me from a meditation book:

"The best antidote I have found is to yearn for something.  As long as you yearn, you can't congeal: There is forward motion to yearning. " - Gail Goodwin

I am slowly getting it.  Everyday I pray for God to let me align my will with His for my life.  Everyday I ask (sometimes beg) him to guide me, give me direction.  I’m still, after all these years, looking for the big conversion experience of Eckart Tolle, or something mystical and supernatural.  When will I ever learn, direction comes in many forms.  A friend’s words, a simple quote in the midst of a reading, timely advice, or a brilliant inspiration while walking out in nature.  Even, that gentle stir of butterflies inside, that excitedly whispers, "yes, do it." I know these are all ways God shows up in my life to answer the questions racing through my incessantly busy head.

  

Many times I minimize those signs and answers. This is all relatively new to me... this consciously living from a spiritual space.   Sometimes I question, and wonder if what I'm hearing is just an insecure ego justifying and rambling on again.  I really don’t have any excuses.   I DO  know the difference now and its time I began to live like it... If it resonates, and I feel peaceful, then it’s the right direction.  If I feel emotions like guilt, fear, and unworthiness it’s not from MY God of love, no matter what anyone else expresses or thinks. That’s not my business. Who knows where "they" are at in their journey, and they can only offer up their reality.   My business is to discern where my Source is leading me. 

You can “act as if” until you’re blue in the face and accept “what is” (my latest mantra, which I am disposing of today) into a state of complacency.  Maybe the feelings of restless, irritable and discontent are there for a reason.  To get me to do something different.... Stop worrying about what I think others think I should do, or how I SHOULD feel, and start doing what resonates with my life.  Stop worrying about perceptions, false pride, duty and responsibilities that have become too big to handle,  and do something else.  Essentially, anything else, with faith and trust.  Just do something!  

Maybe its time to trust in the restlessness and discontent and yearn just a little bit more.  I don’t WANT to settle in and be content with my life as it is today. It’s not what I want.  I WANT change, a new direction, forward movement.  I want to be amongst like-minded souls, who question the status-quo and reach out for new information.  Professionally, I want to feel a part of, and make meaningful contributions. I want to live in a thriving community of vibrant, forward thinking people. That is what I want.  That is who I am, and it feels right and peaceful when I yearn and dream myself there.  I want the magic of trying and failing and trying something new.  I want the magic that comes from setting aside my fears and just taking some risks. I want the magic of being with people who think outside the box, love life, and believe in magic too.   

This is all not to be confused with a lack of gratitude... Ahha this is what I recognized as my sticking point.  I did not want to be perceived as ungrateful for what I have.  I am grateful for the income, a roof over my head, my phenomenal friends and family, a little community that was there for me to hide out in, years ago, when I needed it.  I will always be grateful for these things.  By wanting more, in no way diminishes any of that.  It simply means, I’ve changed.... I want to honor who I am now, those things that help to drive me further along the path in my  journey.  I don’t want to simply accept here, in this place I have rested in, for possibly far too long, just to try to feel safe.  Not now.   It doesn’t feel safe anymore.  It feels alien and dishonorable to something inside me.  

Somehow I crossed a line with acceptance.  I forgot the last half of the serenity prayer - The wisdom to know the difference.  I have no excuses...I know the difference between carving out a rut, and walking forward in faith.  I know I can’t control anyone else, what they think, their opinions or choices. I know I have the courage to change the things I can;  myself, my job, my living situation, I’ve done it over and over in my lifetime.  I am grateful today, when I do get sidetracked, God gives me a good bop on the head...  through a friend’s words, a quote,  and sometime even how my body feels.  

 I began to feel a new stirring this week.... yearned.. made a list for change...imagined and anticipated another good dose of risk-taking,  knowing its all going to turn out for my greater good. It felt right and peaceful to do that.  

I leave you (and me) with this spectacular quote from one of my guru’s...an old soul at 23, Meg P.  This phenomenal young lady who is currently living fully, without limitations, walking through fears, out of mind-numbing complacency, into richness, aliveness and service.   

“It occurs to me it is not so much the aim of the devil to lure me with evil as it is to preoccupy me with the meaningless.” - Don Miller

WooHoo to the end of the meaningless - it's okay to want more... something different.... at least for today. 

Baby, You’re a Firework.... Week Twenty-Eight

Fourth of July celebrations have gone on all week.  I think part of stretching it out was because it fell in the middle of the week.  It’s been a celebration somewhere every day since June 30th;  festivals, light shows, farmer’s markets, community gatherings, and summer fun.  I love it all.  Sunshine, and summer (even in this intense heat) tickles my endorphins into waves of pleasure.  I knew that would happen too if I just got out and about in it, paid attention to the voice in my head that said, “Lady, put your hands over your head (in gratitude and delight) and back away from the computer screen.”   About four weeks now, Facebook and ALL other social media free!  WooHoo.  Amazingly, the authentic human touch I have been seeking has found me.   New connections and old, just by getting out there more.  I feel like an actor in the Toyota Venza commercial,whopping it up while others add “friends and networks" to their Linkedin and  Facebook collections.  Maybe I need to buy a Venza too.   A friend, who couldn’t reach me on Facebook, sent a card, (a real paper one... in the mail)  telling me they missed me and wanted to get together, but didn’t have my phone number, so call.   Just the sort of authentic social interaction I was seeking.  While its great to know my posts are missed, I’d rather have a real hug and hear the sound of your laughter.  What a breath of fresh air to see I’m not alone.  Whew....Not everyone is finding fulfillment cloistered behind a screen emailing, playing games, chatting, and friending.  A few others contacted my daughter to make sure I was “ok”.... Our lives are too inertwined with all the little boxes in our world. That’s been on my mind a lot lately as I ponder my last Opinion Shaper column coming up.  I wrote about technology stealing bits of our humanity,  once,  a long time ago, on my other blog.   Cyber sex, dating, gaming, skyping, texting... hiding out  and isolating behind our technology.  Last week I heard a young person say they thought part of the appeal is social media fills the need to be connected with others without the potential pain of real relationships.  What? Or, as the younger people would type... WTF!   Maybe that is the case....no real intimacy or accountability involved. I’ve been dumped via text message, which might not have been so tough if I had never gotten to intimately know and genuinely care about my Mr. Dumpster man.  If he had just been some random avatar I rendezvoused with by the blue light of the computer screen. Perhaps this young lady is right.  The perfect fit for those who care more about comfort zones and keeping yourself safe.  It does come at the expense of also feeling genuine joy, real love and intimacy, sharing, touching, exploring, and the growth that can come from knowing and healing your real broken heart.  

However, this new technology has brought with it a few gifts.  I now have this great phone that seriously is smarter than me. A little unsettling, but no matter where I am, I can take pictures!  I’m a photo gal and while living in the past is something I strive to avoid, I must admit, my pictures have a way of evoking memories of all the best parts of my past.  Even on difficult days they warm my heart and bring back that joy I felt the first time around.  Rarely, do pictures make me sad anymore.  I am just  immensely grateful for the opportunity to have created those memories and images. I used my phone a few times this week to record the spectacular display of fireworks I witnessed.  

Not all the fireworks I saw were in the sky.  My two older granddaughters were in the play Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat this weekend.  The youngest one was in the children’s chorus.  Her stature was too tiny for a part as one of the spouses of Joseph’s many brothers, but, it didn’t matter her part was small.   You would have thought she had the starring role. Her little pigtails, bounced to the beat of her energy.  She smiled big, flirted with the audience, and lit up the stage with her presence and love of entertaining.  Not too often do folks comment on a single individual in a chorus.  Everyone did.  Her joy was infectious.  From babyhood, she's always loved the limelight.  My oldest granddaughter played the part of one of the brothers' wives and had as many dance numbers as she did costume changes.  She has an incredible voice, a gift from her momma, but hasn’t always had confidence in being in front of an audience, and in the past, it’s come across when she was on stage.  Not this year.  The blossoming of a young lady who is getting comfortable in her own skin, was a dream come true for her parents, and me.   That wasn’t the half of it.  We always think our own children and grandchildren are beautiful, but this young girl, my own precious Alex, was notably gorgeous.  Especially decked out in her Egyptian garb, white gown with gold trim, gold head band, and painted Egyptian eyes.  Her dad was stunned....and scared.  I wiped a few tears.  She looked as comfortable being a Cleopatra look alike as if she was the real deal from some past life.  Oddly, when she was a little girl, she was enthralled with the mysteries of King Tut and the pyramids.  Hmmm.....Just sayin........

I love this stage of my life... this place where I can recognize, I had my day, my time to shine.  I know what it feels like.   It felt great. But, you know what?  It pales in comparison to supporting and watching the evolution of my family, young friends, and others coming into bloom, as they recognize they have that spark too.  They just have to keep opening those doors until they find their own road so they can show the world their worth, be an original, be the rainbow, as Katy Perry so powerfully sings.... 

Just own the night like the 4th of July... Make em go, OH, OH, OH, as you shoot across the sky.... C’mon let your colors burst.  Boom, boom, boom.... even brighter than moon, moon, moon! 

 WooHoo. Baby, we are all fireworks....no two exploding into the fullness of color and design at the same time or in the same way.  Sometimes its much more fulfilling to mindfully wait and watch and see what will light up the sky next. It’s great I captured those images for myself to revisit,  but seriously, I’ve always had much more fun watching the real deal in all its glory!  

Week Six - Lessons in Teamwork - WOOHOO!

I was afraid last week was going to slip by with nary a WOOHOO!  It’s not that it was a bad week, just an uneventful one.  I did get to walk through my professional past one evening when I attended a retirement party for a very special lady.  I worked with her for many years, and have always been in awe of her ability to separate herself from the politics of the Corporation and view her job as simply a means of taking care of her financial needs. I admire her.  We also shared the same gynecologist. This wouldn’t seem like a significant thing,  but it was cause for much laughter between us. Every now and then, when we would go for our respective appointments, he would mix the two of us up... always when we were in his office, in stirrups.   Sure, we are both blond and short, but beyond that...well,  I never had the nerve to ask him what similarities he saw!  We enjoyed a few good giggles about that through the years. When I heard the news she was to retire, I was delighted to be invited to her little party to herald in her next exciting journey.   I’ve not worked for this company for about 14 years, so it was also nice to visit with a few folks I hadn’t seen in awhile.  It was not so nice when dinner table conversation shifted towards, rumors, gossip, backbiting, and old stories.  I felt myself falling into the trap of engaging in it too. I didn’t like how quickly I switched on the old “game-play” face of years gone by. It felt icky to be a part of it and was a reminder of times that weren’t always all that authentic for me.  I smiled a lot back then, ate a ton of words, and grin and bore more than I should have.  Living in fear instead of faith will do that to you.  

When I got home, I tried to recall a time in my tenure with this company where I felt like people were working together to really make a difference. Everyone claimed it was the same everywhere, this was  just the way of Corporate America....character assassination and individual agendas were merely a section in the operating manual.  The only teamwork seemed to be clusters that formed to come up with a strategic plan to get rid of your competition, not in the field, but amongst your co-workers.  My observation is in no way a judgement of how everyone conducted their professional life.  I know there were some who didn’t engage in that kind of foreplay. My retiring friend was a great example. I wondered how much better things could have been if everyone had decided to work together for a common good. 


 I thought, surely this isn't the best it gets for a WooHoo of the week? I enjoyed my friend, and rejoiced with her... sure, but.....

And, then, my sweet little middle granddaughter Sydney, called me and left a cryptic message about needing to talk to me. She had something important to discuss.  “So, please call me back, “she begged and ended by saying, “ I love you so, so, much Mimi.”  Hmmm.... was she in trouble with mom and dad?  Was she trying to avoid homework or room cleaning?  Third grade boy problems?  I called her back.  She wanted to bake and make something special for her mommy and daddy for Valentine’s Day.  Now, everyone knows I am not a baker.  I can cook, but keep me away from the cookie sheets, and cake pans.  Sydney, on the other hand is quite the little kitchen goddess and has baked with her beloved great-grandma since she was about 4. It has been a very special thing they’ve shared through the years.  Setting my fear of failure aside, I said yes, and we baked.  She did all the measuring, mixing, and pouring.  She dictated the amount of time our treats needed to be in the oven. I did as I was told, knowing she had a touch I don’t possess. Teamwork.   When our brownies were fully baked and cooled, we cut them in the shape of hearts.  Then, she let me take over, in an area I am better at, creativity. I iced them with creamy white frosting. She directed the tray arrangement of our perfect little hearts and had me write (in red frosting)  HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY on each one.  We edged them with more red frosting and she then added the final touches, red and pink sugar sprinkles on each one. Perfection we decided!   I squeezed little red icing flowers onto her fingers making her giggle as she licked them off.  As I was cleaning up the kitchen, she wrote these words on a piece of left over wax paper, (in red icing, of course) Thank you, Mimi.  I love you.  

After she left, I thought about our little task and how things got accomplished so well, by working together, recognizing our strengths and weaknesses and performing those functions that were suited to our skill set.  I decided while it was nice to visit my professional past, I don’t fit into those competitive environments anymore. The price tag for success purchased through harming others is way too high.  I like the concept of teamwork.... and kindness... and service to others (including our coworkers).  I like the idea of being authentic and saying what I mean, and meaning what I say.  I like being appreciated for my unique talent and contributions. I like hanging with people who respect and honor that. It feels good to not have to look over my shoulder all the time to watch out for those flying knives. And that crick in my neck has gone away by facing forward towards a beautiful future for these past years.  I may have a lot less cash, but I have riches that can’t be bought.  When I lay my head on my pillow at night, my conscience is clear.  I know I've done my best, acted in integrity and made a contribution towards the GREATER good for that day.  Any regrets about my professional past, even that phenomenal retirement plan,  went away this past week. 

This was all revealed in a Valentine brownie making session with an eight year old! I love working, but it makes me happy when its in a setting of like minded people who treat one another fairly and kindly. I've been blessed to have worked in places like this, since my departure, and it just brings out the better me.  If I could, I would write across the sky - WOOHOO for those changes that contribute to our ongoing growth toward being better human beings!  (in red icing of course)....... XOXOXOXO

P.S. Happy Valentine’s Day my little  Sydie girl!  Week Six Woohoo arrives a little behind schedule.   I couldn’t post this until Valentine’s Day!   We didn’t want mommy and daddy to not be surprised!