Can a person drop into acceptance so deeply they lose their desire and dreams? I’ve had to stop and think about this in the past week.
Last week I went to fundraiser with a friend, to support the restoration of a lovely, local landmark. On the way home we chatted about the current events in our lives and I mentioned being so bone-crushingly tired recently; just too exhausted to do anything but drop into bed after work. I rattled on trying to figure it out. “ I’m exercising, eating healthy, meditating, immersing myself in healthy thoughts. Did I have some dread disease, I mused, or was it just my body’s way of telling me to just honor it and rest?” My friend looked at me, and said, “You’re depressed.” A little miffed at the comment, I paused for a moment, and then said, “I don’t think I’m depressed, I think I am just resigned. I do find joy in things.” My friend said, “Oh, I’m not saying you haven’t accepted things as they are. I just think you aren’t stimulated and the type of person you are, change fuels you. You’ve spent your life, being challenged and challenging yourself, taking risks, and exploring, and that isn’t happening for you right now. You’ve settled in and are trying to acclimate to where you find yourself. You don’t fit in that space. That’s draining your energy.”
Well damn. I think my friend was right. Then, this quote screamed at me from a meditation book:
"The best antidote I have found is to yearn for something. As long as you yearn, you can't congeal: There is forward motion to yearning. " - Gail Goodwin
"The best antidote I have found is to yearn for something. As long as you yearn, you can't congeal: There is forward motion to yearning. " - Gail Goodwin
I am slowly getting it. Everyday I pray for God to let me align my will with His for my life. Everyday I ask (sometimes beg) him to guide me, give me direction. I’m still, after all these years, looking for the big conversion experience of Eckart Tolle, or something mystical and supernatural. When will I ever learn, direction comes in many forms. A friend’s words, a simple quote in the midst of a reading, timely advice, or a brilliant inspiration while walking out in nature. Even, that gentle stir of butterflies inside, that excitedly whispers, "yes, do it." I know these are all ways God shows up in my life to answer the questions racing through my incessantly busy head.
Many times I minimize those signs and answers. This is all relatively new to me... this consciously living from a spiritual space. Sometimes I question, and wonder if what I'm hearing is just an insecure ego justifying and rambling on again. I really don’t have any excuses. I DO know the difference now and its time I began to live like it... If it resonates, and I feel peaceful, then it’s the right direction. If I feel emotions like guilt, fear, and unworthiness it’s not from MY God of love, no matter what anyone else expresses or thinks. That’s not my business. Who knows where "they" are at in their journey, and they can only offer up their reality. My business is to discern where my Source is leading me.
You can “act as if” until you’re blue in the face and accept “what is” (my latest mantra, which I am disposing of today) into a state of complacency. Maybe the feelings of restless, irritable and discontent are there for a reason. To get me to do something different.... Stop worrying about what I think others think I should do, or how I SHOULD feel, and start doing what resonates with my life. Stop worrying about perceptions, false pride, duty and responsibilities that have become too big to handle, and do something else. Essentially, anything else, with faith and trust. Just do something!
Maybe its time to trust in the restlessness and discontent and yearn just a little bit more. I don’t WANT to settle in and be content with my life as it is today. It’s not what I want. I WANT change, a new direction, forward movement. I want to be amongst like-minded souls, who question the status-quo and reach out for new information. Professionally, I want to feel a part of, and make meaningful contributions. I want to live in a thriving community of vibrant, forward thinking people. That is what I want. That is who I am, and it feels right and peaceful when I yearn and dream myself there. I want the magic of trying and failing and trying something new. I want the magic that comes from setting aside my fears and just taking some risks. I want the magic of being with people who think outside the box, love life, and believe in magic too.
This is all not to be confused with a lack of gratitude... Ahha this is what I recognized as my sticking point. I did not want to be perceived as ungrateful for what I have. I am grateful for the income, a roof over my head, my phenomenal friends and family, a little community that was there for me to hide out in, years ago, when I needed it. I will always be grateful for these things. By wanting more, in no way diminishes any of that. It simply means, I’ve changed.... I want to honor who I am now, those things that help to drive me further along the path in my journey. I don’t want to simply accept here, in this place I have rested in, for possibly far too long, just to try to feel safe. Not now. It doesn’t feel safe anymore. It feels alien and dishonorable to something inside me.
Somehow I crossed a line with acceptance. I forgot the last half of the serenity prayer - The wisdom to know the difference. I have no excuses...I know the difference between carving out a rut, and walking forward in faith. I know I can’t control anyone else, what they think, their opinions or choices. I know I have the courage to change the things I can; myself, my job, my living situation, I’ve done it over and over in my lifetime. I am grateful today, when I do get sidetracked, God gives me a good bop on the head... through a friend’s words, a quote, and sometime even how my body feels.
I began to feel a new stirring this week.... yearned.. made a list for change...imagined and anticipated another good dose of risk-taking, knowing its all going to turn out for my greater good. It felt right and peaceful to do that.
I leave you (and me) with this spectacular quote from one of my guru’s...an old soul at 23, Meg P. This phenomenal young lady who is currently living fully, without limitations, walking through fears, out of mind-numbing complacency, into richness, aliveness and service.
“It occurs to me it is not so much the aim of the devil to lure me with evil as it is to preoccupy me with the meaningless.” - Don Miller
WooHoo to the end of the meaningless - it's okay to want more... something different.... at least for today.
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