I’ve moved beyond the three C’s...finally. Crying, Conflicted and Confused seemed to be the state of my internal affairs the last few weeks. Reminding myself, this too shall pass, and sticking with my 21 day meditation commitment with Deepak, some light has shone through the cracks of the wall I had built up again. Maybe the meditation shook loose some more of the dust of old fears, and regret. I know surely there is a priceless, heirloom lying in wait, and all I need to do is recognize her and wrap my arms around her in gratitude and love. And, teach her to continue to protect herself when others dust starts to fly her way.
I began meditation practice, rather sporadically, about 6-7 years ago. I attended a psychic fair with a group of ladies, looking for nothing really other than to have a great time with my friends. A male psychic picked me out of the crowd and said, “ This is for the blonde lady in the back of the room.” As I looked around in search of “her”, he said, “No, I mean you. I am talking to you.” He then proceeded on and told me, “You are really good at praying and talking to God. Now, you need to practice listening to God.” I was confused. How do I listen to God? Meditation has been the answer; better than therapy and no stress over a bill in the mailbox.
In a very recent meditation session I experienced a few of those sweet slices of pure mindless bliss and a voice within that whispered, “I love you so much. Trust me.” How can I not? This voice was different than the annoying one that taunts my brain with so much nonsense. Some days in the midst of the meditation, the mind behaves like a spoiled little two year old, stomping its feet and screaming, “Pay attention to me!” It’s like a deceptive old wizard, standing behind the curtain, madly working the controls, trying to get me to listen to the voice of the great and powerful ego. My goal is to reveal what’s really waiting for me behind that curtain; truth... unconditional support and love and Freedom. Those occasional glimpses of what’s possible, makes me want to keep perfecting flipping the “off” switch and going within.
The structured meditation challenge provided by The Chopra Center, and my commitment to it, has been a highlight and some days, I’ve practiced twice in one day.
I was reminded once again, in the midst of the practice the other day, how powerless I truly am. I have no idea why I think I exercise more control over my life than the Source who created the heavens and earth. What an ego! When you really ponder it for a while, one would think we would be so grateful that our only job is to be grateful and know in doing that, we receive a world of abundance. Why can’t most of us just let go of outcomes and dance in the day?
My first sucker punch about control came when I discovered I had no power over my addiction to alcohol. I had to let go and turn to something outside of my head, where will power and arrogance resided. Those weren’t working. Shortly into sobriety I learned how little control I had over most things, specifically outcomes, when my mom was diagnosed with cancer. There is nothing to fully engage that feeling of utter despair and complete powerlessness than disease. I’ve gotten to repeat the lesson of powerlessness over and over in the loss of jobs, friends, heartbreaks, and finances from time to time. I know this truth well. We are ultimately powerless over outcomes in our lives. The best we can do, is get on about the business of living, doing the legwork, being grateful for whatever comes our way, even if we have to drill it down. I do believe we have a choice in how we view the events in our lives. Some of my gratitude lists from the past, captured in journals, look a little like this:
- I am grateful today that my broken heart has taught me to love myself just as much as I love someone else.
- I’m grateful to have known the soulmate love of my husband, powerful and nurturing even if I only had him for ten years. Some never have it in a lifetime.
- I’m grateful to have shared a sober year with my mom before she passed away.
- I’m grateful to have been able to spend two months in Europe before I lost my job.
- I’m grateful for some of the hardships I’ve undergone. It’s made me a kind, understanding person capable of empathy, in knowing how it feels to experience a loss, fight an addiction, be financially broke, get your heart broken, be scared to death, and fail.
- I’m grateful for this unproven faith, and uncommon courage that tells me, quitting is not an option. Resting awhile is okay. Giving up isn’t.
- I’m grateful today that I do believe beyond a reasonable doubt, rejection IS God’s protection.
Glancing back through my journals, the traditional thankfulness for my health, family, home, job, has been there for the most part through the years. The more profound entries are the ones, when the light bulb goes on and I recognize, there is always a seed of gratitude in every experience. Not always (rarely) identifiable immediately, but ultimately, I can see a grand pattern, and it’s one that winds into a belief, our lives and events aren’t random.
That’s what mindfulness and meditation is teaching me. All I need to worry about, is the present. Work hard, plan with no strings attached, embrace my heart’s desires, be real, live my life, follow the version of the golden rule which asks me to treat others, as THEY would like to be treated.... listen. The details are none of my business and simply a spiritual drain and a distraction.
I’m grateful, for this meditation experience and my crazy, colorful, dysfunctional life. Through both, I’ve learned, I do have this tremendous Source of abundance, strength, hope, and love right here, anytime I choose to tap in. The best way for me to access that power, is to go within and listen beyond the thoughts in my head.
I leave you with a quote from one of my favorite icons, Elizabeth Kubler Ross,
“Learn to get in touch with the silence within yourself, and know that everything in life has purpose. There are no mistakes, no coincidences, all events are blessings given to us to learn from.”
Woo Hoo to meditation practice and the gratitude it breeds. Happy Thanksgiving every day of your life.
