Week Thirty- Seven - Forgiveshness (Anne Lamott)

I like to multi-task.  I know there is something to be said for being fully present, in the moment, but when I'm on the treadmill, I want to be somewhere other than the moment.  Anything to distract from the redundant slapping sound of my tennis shoes as it hits the rubber.  Listening to music is great... sometimes.  But, even if you have over 500 tunes on your I-Pod, you’ve sung them all.  My new love are podcasts. The free ones I can find on I-Tunes are the best especially if I can get them for the length of my workout.  I discovered a few of these writers' interviews this past week and Anne Lamott was one of them.  The interview was forty-five minutes long, just perfect.  I am a huge fan of Anne Lamott’s work.  I’m not always right there with her political beliefs (other than her stance on peace and ending the killing and war) but her relationship with Jesus, self-deprecating humor, sarcasm, humanness in striving towards spirituality, and most of all, her honesty, make me feel like I’ve found my soul sister.  She tears open her shirt and lays it all bare; every defect, insecurity, and struggle.    

In this particular podcast, she was discussing what was her newest book at the time of the interview,  Grace (Eventually): Further Thoughts on Faith.  The interviewer’s questions circled around to her liberal beliefs, her Christianity, and her personal relationship with Jesus.  The conversation headed in the direction of when others hurt you, the resentment it brings, and forgiveness.  Ann told the interviewer forgiveness for her, is more along the lines of “forgivishness”.  A process that went something like this...  I sort of forgive you today to the best of my ability, but I may be royally resentful of you tomorrow, if the affront and pain pop back up in my head again.   Hearing that, I actually whooped.  And, jumped up and down on my treadmill.  Note to self as I tumbled backward and let the wall behind me stop my fall... with my head:  Don’t do that ever again.  

Forgivishness!  What a perfect term to describe the process of forgiveness. I can stop beating myself up over my inability to put the past completely behind me.  I've surely tried as well as handed it over to God because I seemed powerless.   My recent blue moon experience I wrote about a week or so ago, was a perfect example of forgiveshness at work.  Forgiven today.... pissed off again tomorrow.    Everyone knows I’ve tried setting it all up in flames, but not everything burns well.  Upon further introspection,  do I really want it to?  Maybe my inability to annihilate chapters of my life, forgive forever, and move on completely, is a gift.  Because even fire doesn’t burn everything and sometimes what’s left after the flames burn out, is the charred memory of spectacular moments, times of real love and intimacy, and the soul of another human being, just like me, capable of making mistakes, hurting others, and navigating their learning process.  All of this might still remain, just waiting for the soot to be rubbed off, so the beauty can be revealed.  Do I really want to set off a nuclear bomb to all of it, just to move forward?  Wouldn’t it be better to do my best on an ongoing basis to gently squeeze the poison out, a bit at a time?  Let it ooze to the surface, rather than cutting it out and taking parts of the heart and soul that were equally present and equally a part of the experience, or relationship, along with the excision? 

When these hurts, offenses, and pain from the past arise, isn’t it better to allow myself to experience it briefly, extract what that pain is trying to teach me.... maybe I played a role and I need to learn how to not play that role again.  And, then, do my best to forgive... myself and the others?  If I played no role and still was harmed, perhaps it behooves me to look for the love in the aftermath, in the arms of others who stood beside me, comforted me, and loved me into life again?  Doesn’t true healing really only arrive on the wings of love?   So, if we burn away or cut out the good along with the experience, will healing ever take place and can forgiveness ever really come? 

Forgiveness for me hasn't been like a one act play;  rich with colorful language, thoughts of creative revenge and prayers for karmic payback.  Final scene.... fairy dust drifts down on the stage and poof....it is finished. I tried that.  Forgivishness is a process, an epic production of tragedy and comedy, and hopefully when we are finished sorting through the rubble, plucking and tossing away the anger, resentment and hurt, we retain the lessons, the memories... and most of all the love.  Forgivishness.. Finally, this feels authentic, and honest, much more in alignment with the peace, and positive energy I am trying to draw into my life. 

The pressure is off.  WooHoo to forgivishness!  The guilt is gone. No longer do I need to beat myself up when I revisit unpleasant events and times I thought I had put behind me.  It can take a long time, perhaps even a lifetime  to clean off the charred remains of a past.  I think it might be so worth it to process it this way.   Gold doesn’t burn and never loses its value.  Sorting through the rubble from time to time to extract the gold, well, somehow it all seems worthwhile,  even if I have to revisit the pain of the past to find it.   There’s always forgivishness.

Week Thirty-Six - Blue Moon... you saw me standing alone... without a dream in my heart, without a love of my own......

Friday night was the second full moon within the course of a month.  This event is such a rarity, it’s referred to as a Blue Moon.  Thus, the saying, “Once in a blue moon”. From a metaphysical standpoint the blue moon holds a great deal of power.  Some mystics think the blue moon is a time for creative inspiration as well as healing and releasing whatever attachments need to be cut loose.  The blue moon brings the  opportunity to do that;  release ties to any old wounds, once and for all.  In the act of setting free, a fresh space opens up, and inspiration and creativity find room to stretch out and expand.   A bit of a lunar cleansing, so to speak.  I chuckled some when I read all this somewhere in the middle of August.  I’m open-minded for sure, and I do believe there is some validity to nature’s influence on our human bodies and in our lives.  But, that all seemed just a bit too “Wiccan like”.  I envisioned naked forms dancing wildly under the light of the blue moon, arms outstretched, tossing old patterns out into the Universe. While the freedom in dancing freely, in the moonlight sounded fun, it all seemed a bit over the top "woo-woo" even for me.  

If I’ve learned nothing else over the past few years in this intriguing spiritual adventure I’ve been on, it’s to never say never and keep my mind open.  I'm not sure, but I think the mystery of the blue moon visited me the other night.  I experienced something mystical; the cleansing and a complete healing of a relationship that has been haunting me like a naughty ghost,  for a number of years now.  And, I think it happened on  August 31, 2012, the night of the blue moon.  I didn’t plan any of it, and I didn’t even dance naked. But, I might now! 

I had a really pleasant evening with friends, catching up on the latest local gossip, savoring a great steak, and just anticipating a long holiday weekend.  I left their company in high spirits.  Driving home, I thought what a great thing to have such a pleasant night.  I was so upbeat and optimistic.  From a blue moon perspective, legend has it, how you enter the blue moon phase is a precursor to the energy you will bring into the rest of your year.   So harnessing the energy of this moon to manifest even more optimism was an exciting thought.  I decided the rest of the year would certainly be full of wonderful surprises and gifts because I was in such a zen, positive, place.  

Arriving home, I checked mail.  I was stunned to receive something that absolutely sent me spiraling back to old hurt from days gone by.  Thoughts  of  suffering, ignited feelings of unworthiness, jealousy, anger, and a big blanket of judgement that covered any hopes of rational thinking.  All in a matter of minutes, I went from heaven to hell.   I cursed.  I cried. I screamed. I questioned.  I envisioned some graphic, bad juju reigning down on another.  I even made a plan for revenge.  I didn’t hardly recognize this person who went from top of the world to this madwoman who was engulfed in flames, holding a pitchfork, with a satanical sneer on her face, but it was indeed me.    Was I crazy... bi-polar or borderline disordered? What the hell just happened there?

Finally, I settled down some.  I wrote.  I pulled up a program on the computer that was tracking this mystical blue moon across parts of the world. I studied the pictures of the moon. I read about its power.  I prayed.  I wrote.  I prayed some more. I wrote.  I deleted ugly words, and below the belt punches.  I finally just deleted it all.  I sat in the kitchen bay window and stared up at the sky and asked for the energy of this blue moon to release me once and for all from the grip of my clearly unforgiving heart.  A heart I thought had forgiven...  I humbly asked for complete healing.  I asked for love. Exhausted I went to bed.  I slept fitfully that night, dreaming of the moon, the man, the person I truly wanted to be.  I suddenly saw the person he was striving to be too, bathed in a white light.   Somewhere in the night, I dreamed I heard this voice which said, "Just accept the parts that were love. There was love present.  Love is the only path that leads to healing completely." 

Today is a new day.  My heart feels lighter, more spacious, capable of receiving and willing to accept more love however it shows up in all the ways it's given.    

Was it the blue moon; nature giving me what I needed and didn't seem to be able to do for myself?   I have choices.   I don’t have to strike out in judgement and anger when something tries to pluck at an old, defunct, dysfunctional chord.  I don’t need to.  I am healed.  I have this great big open heart, ready to give.... and receive.  There is a whole lot of power in that.   WooHoo to magic, and blue moons!  I have new dreams in my heart and room for lots of new love that I can call my own.