Week Four - For the purest love we'll ever know... the unconditional adoration of a grandchild...WooHoo!!

One night this week my middle grand-daughter and little namesake,  asked me if I would stop after work.  She had something she wanted to give me.  When I arrived she was eating her dinner in between the tap and jazz class she attends.  These kids have the schedule and social calendars of a candidate for political office!  She handed me a little folded card.  Apparently, this was an assignment from her religion class.  She was to pick a person who has been an example to her and thank them for their contributions.   As I read it, I tried very hard to hold back my tears. After finishing it, I just let them flow.  I want her to know that tears are okay. Happy tears, sad tears, mad tears... They’re just a manifestation of feelings and cleanse our souls and help us heal. They glisten and flow in compassion, empathy,sadness, and joy.  They are a blessing. She is a blessing. I want her to know that too.  

The little card read: Thank you for helping me to learn how to..... Be me, and be funny, and follow my own heart and to say no when I have to.  You are always there for me  I love you. Mimi I love you.  You helped me to be sassy, you helped me when I’m sad.  You are the best grandma in the whole world or should I say your the best Mimi in the world (She knows I hate to be called grandma).  I love you.  You rock Mrs. Rebecca.  Love Syd.  P.S. Your butuful (I think that word is a compliment..) more then you know don’t let anyone crush your dreams. I love you!  :0 )

I was blown away.  What initially came to mind was a bit cynical.  Her birthday is coming up in about three weeks and she is doing some serious "sucking up!"  I was immediately ashamed of my thought. Especially after  she explained to me, why she picked me.  She did not want to have to choose between her mommy or her daddy.  She said, "Mimi I didn't want to pick one over the other because I didn't want to hurt mommy or daddy's feelings."  Rather thoughtful and considerate for an 8 year old...  We have always had this connection... from the moment of her birth.  It's not to say I haven't been equally bonded to the other two.  It just was different with her.  From her first breath, I saw traits in her that were reminiscent of my own inner child.  Headstrong, adventurous, rebellious, and curious. I was the kind of child that discipline and punishment simply didn't work as a means of control.  I joked about my early high school years being grounded so often, the dog got out more days than I did.   When she was tiny, she cried for her Mimi when she got into trouble.  And, being Mimi, I empathised with her and cuddled her into good humor again.  She has always been my little fan club, looking at me, often in adoration.  And she loves it when I call her little Rebecca Two.


Honestly, it also scared me some.  Mostly because the road I've traveled hasn't always been an easy one.  A good number of the obstacles I constructed.  Poor choices, self-will run riot, and a serious lack of boundaries caused some fear... a sort of sins of the grandmother visiting the granddaughter. I reread her little card when I got home.   She may have been born with a lot of my genetic character, but much of it is a good thing!  As Oscar Wilde proclaims, "Every Saint has a past and every sinner has a future." It can be a blessing to be tenacious, adventurous, a little bit of a rebel when it comes to matters of the heart and things we believe in.  I thought about how grateful I am that she came along at the place in my life where I finally did grow up and channeled those perceived negatives in a more positive direction. And,  praise God, that's what she seems to have picked up on.  I think I've shown her that laughter can get us through most crisis.  And, if you're born sassy, be sassy, and if something isn't right and feels icky, then its okay to say no. I hope I have mirrored to her that it's important for her to be there for her family, loved ones and friends.  I think she sees that what makes someone truly beautiful are their actions, rather than their appearance. 


Sometimes, children are the books we should be reading from as well. .... I guess those "dream crushers" are no longer an option for me.  She says so..... She's mirrored back to ME  that she believes in me, but until I believe in my dreams enough to not allow others negativity, envy, and unsolicited opinions influence my journey, I likely won't see them come to fruition.Who should be thanking who here?   


WooHoo to my little mentor who calls them just like she sees them... Sydney Rebecca, you make me want to become a better Mimi (me-me)! 

  

Week Three - Job Review WooHoo!

This week I had my annual job review.  I’ve been there less than a full year so it was a surprise.  When I left the review, my cheeks were still pink from blushing at the compliments.... seriously.  I think I fell between commendable and distinguished, closer to the higher of the two.  The review was above and beyond kind, it also reinforced some of those gifts I knew I had inside, growing mold, pleading to be used.  I hadn’t put them into practice for 20 long months.  Somehow, saying 20 “months” seems gentler than the reality of being unemployed for two “years”.  I could go into my diatribe about folks who have escaped the ravages of recession, and their insensitivity and arrogance at thinking it could never happen to them....Their indifference, some condemnation, failure to reach out, and lack of compassion, I later discovered could have been their way of sheltering their egos from the possibility and fear, they too weren’t immune to walking in my shoes.  It clearly did sort out those who unconditionally loved and cared for me, from the chaff. It’s good to know who you can count on to be in the bunker with you when the enemy attacks.  I did that for a very long time though, dwelled on my misfortune.  What I now know, there is just no space for that kind of self-pity, anger and regret in my world.  I may try to slip into, just to get the feelings out, but it’s just not my size anymore.  I think I’ve outgrown it, expanded;  because I need bigger space for all the blessings coming my way.   There was a reason I was unemployed for almost two years and it was a part of God’s plan for my life. 

  

Years ago, caught up in the pressures, politics, and protocols of Management and a Corporate environment, I used to joke with my husband and friends about getting that “ bit of fluff job”, someday.  Now, I assumed that would come in semi-retirement, not with ten years left to work, but there is this saying, “Watch what you wish for.”  

This job is that bit of fluff job.  This job allows me to use some of my strongest talents as well as compliments my highest self.   I look forward to walking into work every day.  This job allows me to serve others, by smiling, going the extra mile to help them, and practice what I preach about providing outstanding customer service. This job puts me into contact with people who just wanna have fun... just like me!  This job allows me to invest some of my work day immersed in my passion; crafting a story, planting ideas, and creating an image.   Best of all, this job allows me the time to pursue my Big Dream, on the side.  

I had to learn in the past two years to let go of the fears. The major ones of course;  financial security, health, well-being, loneliness and lack. I needed to learn most things are out of our control, specifically when it comes to other people, places and things.  I had to learn its an illusion to think that we can take care of ourselves in a manner which leads to our best selves.  That’s the role of our Higher Power if we let Him.  His plan for us is so much bigger, and grander than we can ever imagine. I had to learn if we aren’t on the right path, we’re often broken open, first to get our attention, and then to scrap out the yuck and replace it with all the goodness and riches God wants us to have. I had to learn to just stop...... take the time to listen to my intuitions, watch, be mindful of not only how things felt inside my heart, but also pay close attention to the world around me, harvesting the  messages meant for me. 

I had to learn to trust that all of my needs would be met, always. 

This week I was reminded of all of these things.   Thirty-five years of working.... I have never had a job review that meant as much to me as this one.   

WooHoo!  

Week 2 - Dinner with my long time friend....WooHoo!

It’s been a laid back week, finally!  January is a bit of a touchy month for me and I know that, so this year I have put some healthy, proactive practices into place to help me move through my least favorite time.  The plan is Code Simplify; in my eating, in my activities, and in my lifestyle.  I feel like the less clutter and complexity, the more peace of mind.  My focus has been on a return to fitness and health this winter, so eating out has been at a minimum.  I made an exception when a friend and I decided it was time to catch up and finally exchange this year’s Christmas presents. We decided to meet after work at a restaurant.  I tried to pick the one where we could eat healthy, and I could use one of the gift cards I had been given for Christmas.  I’m greatly simplifying expenditures too.  I did my research ahead of time and picked a meal that was within my caloric range for the day, and came prepared.  What I wasn’t prepared for was a few priceless treasures she brought along with her, as well as some new warm socks, English tea, and a heavenly scented candle. 

My friend and I share a history which has included work, surviving breast cancer, remarriage (mine), several surgeries (mine and hers), kid issues, kid’s weddings, grown kid issues, birth of grandchildren, death of a grandchild, death of our respective spouses, and loss of some dreams (mine and hers).... Just to name a few.  We also share a connection with my mother.  Now, my friend never met my mother, and my mother’s been gone for 24 years, a little  longer than our friendship.  Through a series of serendipitous revelations, it turns out, HER friend was my mom’s best friend in high school!  This may not seem like a big deal to you until you learn my mother moved away shortly after high school and never really returned to her place of birth.   I loved my mother dearly, although, her life was challenged, resulting in a less than traditional childhood for me.  Those memories have been scattered to the winds, leaving mostly  just images of our relationship the last few years of her life. As foggy as my memories are, surely her high school friend's memories must be even more distant.  Or were they?

During our dinner conversation, my friend mentioned that she wanted to get this friend of my mom’s and I together someday.  An apparent trigger was an article I had written and was published as a guest columnist in a newspaper.  My mother’s friend had seen it and wondered if the writer was me.  My friend told her it indeed was.  Her response back, “I figured it might be.  Her mom was very smart too.” My mom was smart?  As the conversation progressed, I learned that my mom was popular.  She was fun. She was a friend to everyone. She was admired, even with the devastating circumstance of bearing a child as a teenager near the end of her high school years; a socially unacceptable state and moral issue in the early 50’s.  I learned my mom had dignity.  Most of all, I learned my mom was loved and missed dearly, still. The memories of her in her friend's mind sketched a better picture than I could.  A few years back this dear lady had the opportunity to meet my daughter.  She relayed to my friend, “I searched Patty’s (my mom) grand-daughter’s face for anything of Patty."  Her need to identify and connect on some level, with my mother, through my daughter was such a tribute to my mom.   I learned she and mom spent time playing with me as a child.  I learned I may not have been anticipated, but I was loved.  As we sat and chatted about these messages, relayed through my friend as the medium, I smiled and I cried. The tears weren't my typical sad sack, January tears. The tears were triggered by those soft gentle hands of my mother, once again reminding me to just keep moving forward, and  touching my heart through the hand of her dear friend.  

What a tremendous opportunity to see my mom through the eyes of another who loved her.    She isn’t just my mom anymore.  She was a young woman full of life, hopes, dreams and anticipated happily ever afters.  She gave love and left her mark on people I was never aware of.   

My WooHoo for this week.... For friends who know our history and make sure we hold onto the precious bits of our past. The gift bag of goodies will warm my toes and my body in the days ahead.  The gift of a walk through the other side of the garden which was a part of my mother's life too, put a little spark inside my morose little January heart.  Those we love who pass on, may not be in our sight, but they are always making their presence known.

WOOHOO Mom.... We shared a lot of our own WOOHOO's too.  Thanks for reminding me, out of sight doesn't mean out of mind. Where there is love, it remains. And thank you for passing on so many of your qualities..... mostly your courage.  

Week 1 - Spinning WooWoo

If you listen closely, you will hear my first of 52 weeks of WOOHOO!  Although, it would sound more like this, w---o---o-----h---o---o.......... 

It might have been panted in syllables, through clenched teeth, face contorted in pain,  but it was there.  A brand new year, a brand new Spin Class.  First, you need to know I have been an exercise queen most of my life, but I have never taken a Spinning Class.  It just always looked like too much sweat and a lot more effort than I thought this old body was capable of, or wanted to expend.    

Well, this exercise queen removed herself from power and took a very long hiatus from the rigors of body maintenance in an attempt to work on her emotional intelligence and develop some spiritual muscles in the last few years. The result, I got my degree, a sort of Cross Fit certification for the soul.  I passed the tests in learning the meaning of serenity, acceptance, forgiveness and what wisdom really is.   While all that introspection, mindfulness, and focus on the spiritual side of life created character with some brawn, specifically in core areas of compassion, integrity, understanding, and love, the vessel holding all these qualities has turned to the proverbial piece of shit. 

The manner in which my participation evolved in taking this class was clearly a sign.  My Big Trainer in the sky made all the arrangements.  I just wanted to take a peek at the new spinning room and cycles.  That’s all.  I went from observer to participant in a matter of about 20 seconds.  Every excuse I had for not joining in was quickly shot down by the spinning darlings, all jazzed up and ready for their workout. 

Our instructor is an energetic little 20 something, dynamo.  I was impressed that she went through our bike’s design, resistance levels, how to read the monitor tracking our progress and made sure we understood safety issues. She warned us of some changes that could occur in our bodies while we are on the bikes - dizziness, nausea, vomiting... WHAT!?   She then pointed out the trash can that was available, just in case. I asked her if she could move it closer. Then, she went through the moves; sprinting, or leaning forward, butts off the seat and peddling like Lance Armstrong navigating the Tour de France.  And, best of all, STANDING and peddling.  I tried to recall if legs that wobbled like a newborn colt was one of the signs that was a precursor to vomiting and eyeballed the trash can. 

One of the songs in our repertoire of tunes was a Pussy Cat Dolls number.  I envisioned my body six months (well, maybe a year)  down the road as a Dolls candidate, but it was hard to embed that picture in my head as the sweat poured off of my face, leaving my hair in drippy ringlets on my cheeks and forehead. There's very little sexy about a bright red face, sweat stained tee shirt, fear filled eyes and grimaces from the shooting pain in my crouch and rear end. The seat is very, very tiny....

So, no pain, no gain.  I am just waiting for the endorphins to kick in.  Oh, and I hear one of the people in the class lost 5 pounds in a week!  That’s encouraging. Especially after discovering later in the day, I am unable to walk up or down steps without holding on to the handrail with one hand and the top of the leading thigh with the other one.  The upside... I can easily get in my ten minutes of meditation while I’m navigating the stairs.  It’ll take me that long at least to get to the top or the bottom. 

Nonetheless,......WOOHOO---- 16.4 Miles in 40 minutes.... right out of the gate!