Week Forty- Revisiting the photo albumn of my life......

I’ve been telling everyone I am so ready for a change. Maybe I think if I repeat it enough, the Universe will tire of hearing me say it, and blow me that kiss that sends me chasing after a new direction. It’s not that my days are particularly bad, or sad.  They are relatively serene:  peaceful and beautiful in their own way.  It’s the uneventful, redundant, and mind-numbing routine and sameness that is making me feel a little (or a lot) restless. I feel stuck. I am quite simply the kind of gal that thrives on diversity and fresh knowledge, adventures, challenges, and social interaction.    

I’ve figured this out about myself over the last few years.  I used to feel guilty because I haven’t been a “settled soul” who takes pleasure in staying put. I’ve occasionally felt judged, and perhaps perceived as a malcontent that didn’t have the emotional maturity to just settle in and accept a paycheck, a relationship,  mind-numbing mediocrity and simply survive, gratefully and gracefully.   I realize now, it shouldn’t matter what anyone else thinks, and it really doesn’t so much anymore.  Now, that's a great change!   I continue to hope for “more change” whatever that may be.... a bad day doesn't equal a bad life and wanting more does not make me ungrateful.   Not at all. 

I recognized this past week, it has been through being open and saying yes, to who I am, jobs, people, and opportunities, my life has been incredibly full and rich!   It’s always good to be reminded of the pay-off for being authentic and living life honestly.  I had that this week.  It came in the form of a zip-lock baggie of photographs I discovered.  

As I flipped through this visual timeline of stages in my wonderful, adventurous life, I was awed by my personal memoir (so far).  So many great people, opportunities, mentors, events, loves, and joys.  Was the average person blessed with so much?  I think not.  I felt a sense of peace in knowing, this will all return again.  Change will come and new pictures will be recorded to be treasured too. 

In between the years of those photographs there were rest breaks too, just like now.  We just forget our lives are like the seasons, we have those Spring times where everything is fresh and new, and Summers of great exploration and adventures.  Autumns of awe and wonder as the colors of our experiences unfold and bring us a second delight.  

And then, come the Winters, the times we learn to comfort ourselves, pull back, cuddle up:  nurturing and resting up for the next exciting cycle of our lives.  The pictures reminded me.  I won’t always be stuck in the Winter.  I’ve never been much of a Winter gal.    

WooHoo to looking at my life as a chronicle rather than short story.  

Week Thirty - Nine -A week of the loveliest of Auld Lang Syne’s

What a surprising and uncanny week this has been.  I sense the Universe is trying to help me to know how much I am loved, and maybe more important, how much I truly have loved back.  I had the privilege of reconnecting with not just one, but three people from my past this week!  God sent in the troops.  One, was someone who means the world to me and lives very far away.  The second, was someone I had professional dealings with a few years ago, and the third was a relationship that ended... very poorly.  

My week didn’t start out with me feeling all that loved and confident. It began by allowing me to put to the test some lessons on how to not pick up my typical knee-jerk response as my sword in fighting off personal justice.  The old cutting off my nose to spite my face syndrome.  Instead, I used kind indifference, acted like the bigger person, and recognized one person’s opinions, are just that, their opinion.  They don’t make or break me anymore, and they certainly don’t even come close to defining me unless I let them.   I passed, thank heavens.  Maybe this means, I won’t have to repeat this particular lesson because I get it?  I hope.  But the by-play did leave me feeling depleted as a number of old buttons got pushed and a really old tape started to play for a day or so.   

I think the reward for handling a situation differently than I would have before, was these blessed, serendipitous connections that came my way!   They were also a reminder that it always pays off, in the long run, to be honorable and honest in our dealings with others, no matter what... And, always fess up and admit when we're wrong, or at least acknowledge the role we played when we do get swept up in drama. Most of all, be who we really are, because that’s what others ultimately need from us.   Doing those things seems to clear spiritual channels as well as leaves room for relationships that seemed doomed or ended poorly to come around full circle.  That is exactly what happened in one particular case.  The other was a soothing reminder that no matter how far away a friend is, if the relationship is authentic and meaningful, that consistent comfort can be relied on, even long distance.  The last one was someone I admired a great deal, and it appears it is reciprocal!  Being a former affirmation junkie, I tried not to get too attached to all of the compliments tossed my way, but, it sure was nice to hear.  In all three cases, I wasn’t expecting the good energy they all breathed into my life this week. 

My friend from far-away, sprang from a professional connection and evolved from there and is the kind of friend you may not see for a few years, but when you do, you pick up exactly where you left off.   We have so many great memories to revisit, and we do frequently, because they remind us not to take life so seriously. To top it all off, he is a man to be admired, brimming with integrity, for real!  He is a devoted husband, doting father, loyal employee, and comitted friend.   But, he's also the kind of person, you feel completely comfortable sharing anything with.  That’s never changed, and I was so blessed to slide into all of those feelings this week with him.  I can count on one hand the number of people I have felt that kind of freedom, faith and trust with.  He puts things in perspective for me, and I always rediscover my better person after time or conversation with him.  

The second encounter was an individual I haven’t seen for a number of years too.  He literally walked right into me this week.  The delight on his face at seeing me again was apparent, even to my oblivious eye.  This very accomplished, highly successful man, makes me want to live up to his high opinion of me.  Like a fairy-godfather, when we parted company, I felt like a princess worthy of moving back into the castle again.  

My final encounter, was a huge blessing and a perfect example of the power of  making amends, forgiveness, and healing old wounds. I had extended the amends, agenda free, with no anticipation of reciprocity, or an expected outcome.   And, there was none, at the time.  But, they did what amends are supposed to do.  They allowed me to clear up my part of the mess, and move forward with a clear conscience and a pure heart.  There was room then for forgiveness to work it’s magic, as it always does in time.  This person touched back in this week, all disagreement and animosity had melted away.  It was wonderful to talk with her again. 

So much of the past, present, and future is intertwined and determines how we conduct all of our relationships.  When we sever those connections simply because of distance, complacency, or resentment, I think we are ultimately the biggest loser.   I am learning we were put on this planet to learn HOW to be in relationship with others.  When we look at the things our relationships have taught us, or how they made us feel, or the great memories we have accumulated because of them, it makes life so much better.  Inside of every relationship is some beautiful pearl whether it be, sharing a history, learning we are important and do matter to others, or new wisdom to help us continue down our path with more joy than suffering.  All of them are really meant to be treasured for the part they play in our journey.    I was reminded of that this week.   WooHoo! 

Week Thirty-Eight - Grins, giggles, and laughter... the best anti-depressant on the market

I rediscovered my laugh this week.  When I heard it, this tinkle of noise that burst forth into a full blown exhalation of happy air from my lungs, I decided time for more of that.  When did I get so damned serious about myself, politics, the economy, and just life in general?  While examining my unexamined life has led me to a path of self-acceptance and authenticity, I must have buried that sense of humor in a pile of muck while I was panning for gold.  Unearthing it again, has been one of the bigger “gold nugget” discoveries I made about me and big part of what makes me tick and keeps me going.... I love to smile, and laugh.   It is a huge part of who I am.  I know my humor is often self-deprecating, hyperbolic at times and sometimes mildly sarcastic.  I know it, and there are many people who profess to appreciate and love that about me.  Those are the people I need to be hanging with more often. 

This past weekend, I found myself sitting in a movie theatre alongside my daughter laughing hysterically (and drooling) at the "boy-toys" in the movie Magic Mike.    It was showing at the “cheap seats theatre” and for $2.00, why not?  My daughter was long overdue for a fantasy escape and few hours away from the doldrums of marriage and child rearing;  ready for some light entertainment.  For me, it was time I put to the test whether or not my hormones had all turned themselves into convent dwellers over the past few years.  I am happy to report, those hormones not only are still raging on, I had visions of them donning a bustier, fishnets, and 6 inch black stilettos!   Oh, I’d heard the reviews from friends.  Bad language, lots of drug use, and the worst acting, ever.... They were right.   But, I didn’t go expecting a spiritual experience or to be awed by an Academy Award worthy performance.  I went to be entertained:  ogle and be awed by the spectacular physiques on some really, really beautiful men.  I went to fantasize and howl uproariously at the raunchy humor.  Laugh, I did.  A lot.

Just that one mega-dose of laughter kicked those happy little endorphins into gear and made for an entire week of friendly banter with old friends (and a few new ones) lots of storytelling and giggles.  No serious deep-thinking permitted unless its accompanied by a good joke.   The laughter numbed most of my  worry and projections as well as any grumpy energy emitted by others that did drag themselves into my path.  

When I looked in the mirror, I noticed too, my face has frozen somewhat into this perpetual grin.  It’s like an instant face lift.  The little lines around my lips got stretched out and are barely visible. My neck tightens naturally and  I feel pretty, and sexy and vibrant.  It appears laughter is a poor man's plastic surgery job and an aphrodisiac too.   

By Friday night after sharing some banter and self-deprecating humor with a great, funny friend, both of us laughing so hard our jaws hurt, I really understood how much better life on the rocks can be with a big twist of humor.  I’m still working on my timing.  My reward for being funny;  He sprayed himself and the arm of my sweater (accidentally) with a thunderous guffaw after a way too big gulp of water. That made me laugh even harder.  By evening's end, I looked like a raccoon, mascara tears trickling down my cheeks from extended periods of funny bone tickling.    

It’s my goal to keep my body “pill free” for as long as possible. The answer to my cholesterol issue has been diet and exercise.  The answer to lethargy, worry, and depression, I'm convinced, is laughter; the best medicine. No three week wait for it to kick in, the only real danger is I could get addicted to humor and happiness.   I think we could virtually bankrupt the pharmaceutical companies if we sought the cure in taking life a lot less seriously, looked for the humor in most everything, and learned how to laugh, especially at ourselves?  

WooHoo to laughter!  Oh, and it's really good for the abdominal muscles too!   Woohoo! 

Week Thirty- Seven - Forgiveshness (Anne Lamott)

I like to multi-task.  I know there is something to be said for being fully present, in the moment, but when I'm on the treadmill, I want to be somewhere other than the moment.  Anything to distract from the redundant slapping sound of my tennis shoes as it hits the rubber.  Listening to music is great... sometimes.  But, even if you have over 500 tunes on your I-Pod, you’ve sung them all.  My new love are podcasts. The free ones I can find on I-Tunes are the best especially if I can get them for the length of my workout.  I discovered a few of these writers' interviews this past week and Anne Lamott was one of them.  The interview was forty-five minutes long, just perfect.  I am a huge fan of Anne Lamott’s work.  I’m not always right there with her political beliefs (other than her stance on peace and ending the killing and war) but her relationship with Jesus, self-deprecating humor, sarcasm, humanness in striving towards spirituality, and most of all, her honesty, make me feel like I’ve found my soul sister.  She tears open her shirt and lays it all bare; every defect, insecurity, and struggle.    

In this particular podcast, she was discussing what was her newest book at the time of the interview,  Grace (Eventually): Further Thoughts on Faith.  The interviewer’s questions circled around to her liberal beliefs, her Christianity, and her personal relationship with Jesus.  The conversation headed in the direction of when others hurt you, the resentment it brings, and forgiveness.  Ann told the interviewer forgiveness for her, is more along the lines of “forgivishness”.  A process that went something like this...  I sort of forgive you today to the best of my ability, but I may be royally resentful of you tomorrow, if the affront and pain pop back up in my head again.   Hearing that, I actually whooped.  And, jumped up and down on my treadmill.  Note to self as I tumbled backward and let the wall behind me stop my fall... with my head:  Don’t do that ever again.  

Forgivishness!  What a perfect term to describe the process of forgiveness. I can stop beating myself up over my inability to put the past completely behind me.  I've surely tried as well as handed it over to God because I seemed powerless.   My recent blue moon experience I wrote about a week or so ago, was a perfect example of forgiveshness at work.  Forgiven today.... pissed off again tomorrow.    Everyone knows I’ve tried setting it all up in flames, but not everything burns well.  Upon further introspection,  do I really want it to?  Maybe my inability to annihilate chapters of my life, forgive forever, and move on completely, is a gift.  Because even fire doesn’t burn everything and sometimes what’s left after the flames burn out, is the charred memory of spectacular moments, times of real love and intimacy, and the soul of another human being, just like me, capable of making mistakes, hurting others, and navigating their learning process.  All of this might still remain, just waiting for the soot to be rubbed off, so the beauty can be revealed.  Do I really want to set off a nuclear bomb to all of it, just to move forward?  Wouldn’t it be better to do my best on an ongoing basis to gently squeeze the poison out, a bit at a time?  Let it ooze to the surface, rather than cutting it out and taking parts of the heart and soul that were equally present and equally a part of the experience, or relationship, along with the excision? 

When these hurts, offenses, and pain from the past arise, isn’t it better to allow myself to experience it briefly, extract what that pain is trying to teach me.... maybe I played a role and I need to learn how to not play that role again.  And, then, do my best to forgive... myself and the others?  If I played no role and still was harmed, perhaps it behooves me to look for the love in the aftermath, in the arms of others who stood beside me, comforted me, and loved me into life again?  Doesn’t true healing really only arrive on the wings of love?   So, if we burn away or cut out the good along with the experience, will healing ever take place and can forgiveness ever really come? 

Forgiveness for me hasn't been like a one act play;  rich with colorful language, thoughts of creative revenge and prayers for karmic payback.  Final scene.... fairy dust drifts down on the stage and poof....it is finished. I tried that.  Forgivishness is a process, an epic production of tragedy and comedy, and hopefully when we are finished sorting through the rubble, plucking and tossing away the anger, resentment and hurt, we retain the lessons, the memories... and most of all the love.  Forgivishness.. Finally, this feels authentic, and honest, much more in alignment with the peace, and positive energy I am trying to draw into my life. 

The pressure is off.  WooHoo to forgivishness!  The guilt is gone. No longer do I need to beat myself up when I revisit unpleasant events and times I thought I had put behind me.  It can take a long time, perhaps even a lifetime  to clean off the charred remains of a past.  I think it might be so worth it to process it this way.   Gold doesn’t burn and never loses its value.  Sorting through the rubble from time to time to extract the gold, well, somehow it all seems worthwhile,  even if I have to revisit the pain of the past to find it.   There’s always forgivishness.

Week Thirty-Six - Blue Moon... you saw me standing alone... without a dream in my heart, without a love of my own......

Friday night was the second full moon within the course of a month.  This event is such a rarity, it’s referred to as a Blue Moon.  Thus, the saying, “Once in a blue moon”. From a metaphysical standpoint the blue moon holds a great deal of power.  Some mystics think the blue moon is a time for creative inspiration as well as healing and releasing whatever attachments need to be cut loose.  The blue moon brings the  opportunity to do that;  release ties to any old wounds, once and for all.  In the act of setting free, a fresh space opens up, and inspiration and creativity find room to stretch out and expand.   A bit of a lunar cleansing, so to speak.  I chuckled some when I read all this somewhere in the middle of August.  I’m open-minded for sure, and I do believe there is some validity to nature’s influence on our human bodies and in our lives.  But, that all seemed just a bit too “Wiccan like”.  I envisioned naked forms dancing wildly under the light of the blue moon, arms outstretched, tossing old patterns out into the Universe. While the freedom in dancing freely, in the moonlight sounded fun, it all seemed a bit over the top "woo-woo" even for me.  

If I’ve learned nothing else over the past few years in this intriguing spiritual adventure I’ve been on, it’s to never say never and keep my mind open.  I'm not sure, but I think the mystery of the blue moon visited me the other night.  I experienced something mystical; the cleansing and a complete healing of a relationship that has been haunting me like a naughty ghost,  for a number of years now.  And, I think it happened on  August 31, 2012, the night of the blue moon.  I didn’t plan any of it, and I didn’t even dance naked. But, I might now! 

I had a really pleasant evening with friends, catching up on the latest local gossip, savoring a great steak, and just anticipating a long holiday weekend.  I left their company in high spirits.  Driving home, I thought what a great thing to have such a pleasant night.  I was so upbeat and optimistic.  From a blue moon perspective, legend has it, how you enter the blue moon phase is a precursor to the energy you will bring into the rest of your year.   So harnessing the energy of this moon to manifest even more optimism was an exciting thought.  I decided the rest of the year would certainly be full of wonderful surprises and gifts because I was in such a zen, positive, place.  

Arriving home, I checked mail.  I was stunned to receive something that absolutely sent me spiraling back to old hurt from days gone by.  Thoughts  of  suffering, ignited feelings of unworthiness, jealousy, anger, and a big blanket of judgement that covered any hopes of rational thinking.  All in a matter of minutes, I went from heaven to hell.   I cursed.  I cried. I screamed. I questioned.  I envisioned some graphic, bad juju reigning down on another.  I even made a plan for revenge.  I didn’t hardly recognize this person who went from top of the world to this madwoman who was engulfed in flames, holding a pitchfork, with a satanical sneer on her face, but it was indeed me.    Was I crazy... bi-polar or borderline disordered? What the hell just happened there?

Finally, I settled down some.  I wrote.  I pulled up a program on the computer that was tracking this mystical blue moon across parts of the world. I studied the pictures of the moon. I read about its power.  I prayed.  I wrote.  I prayed some more. I wrote.  I deleted ugly words, and below the belt punches.  I finally just deleted it all.  I sat in the kitchen bay window and stared up at the sky and asked for the energy of this blue moon to release me once and for all from the grip of my clearly unforgiving heart.  A heart I thought had forgiven...  I humbly asked for complete healing.  I asked for love. Exhausted I went to bed.  I slept fitfully that night, dreaming of the moon, the man, the person I truly wanted to be.  I suddenly saw the person he was striving to be too, bathed in a white light.   Somewhere in the night, I dreamed I heard this voice which said, "Just accept the parts that were love. There was love present.  Love is the only path that leads to healing completely." 

Today is a new day.  My heart feels lighter, more spacious, capable of receiving and willing to accept more love however it shows up in all the ways it's given.    

Was it the blue moon; nature giving me what I needed and didn't seem to be able to do for myself?   I have choices.   I don’t have to strike out in judgement and anger when something tries to pluck at an old, defunct, dysfunctional chord.  I don’t need to.  I am healed.  I have this great big open heart, ready to give.... and receive.  There is a whole lot of power in that.   WooHoo to magic, and blue moons!  I have new dreams in my heart and room for lots of new love that I can call my own.   

Week Thirty-Five - The hell with acceptance... Yearn on, baby, yearn on......

Can a person drop into acceptance so deeply they lose their desire and dreams? I’ve had to stop and think about this in the past week.  

Last week I went to fundraiser with a friend, to support the restoration of a lovely, local landmark.  On the way home we chatted about the current events in our lives and I mentioned being so bone-crushingly tired recently; just too exhausted to do anything but drop into bed after work.  I rattled on trying to figure it out. “ I’m exercising, eating healthy, meditating, immersing myself in healthy thoughts.  Did I have some dread disease,  I mused, or was it just my body’s way of telling me to just honor it and rest?”  My friend looked at me, and said, “You’re depressed.”  A little miffed at the comment, I paused for a moment, and then said, “I don’t think I’m depressed, I think I am just resigned. I do find joy in things.”  My friend said, “Oh, I’m not saying you haven’t accepted things as they are.  I just think you aren’t stimulated and the type of person you are, change fuels you. You’ve spent your life, being challenged and challenging yourself, taking risks, and exploring, and that isn’t happening for you right now. You’ve settled in and are trying to acclimate to where you find yourself.  You don’t fit in that space. That’s draining your energy.” 

Well damn.  I think my friend was right.  Then, this quote screamed at me from a meditation book:

"The best antidote I have found is to yearn for something.  As long as you yearn, you can't congeal: There is forward motion to yearning. " - Gail Goodwin

I am slowly getting it.  Everyday I pray for God to let me align my will with His for my life.  Everyday I ask (sometimes beg) him to guide me, give me direction.  I’m still, after all these years, looking for the big conversion experience of Eckart Tolle, or something mystical and supernatural.  When will I ever learn, direction comes in many forms.  A friend’s words, a simple quote in the midst of a reading, timely advice, or a brilliant inspiration while walking out in nature.  Even, that gentle stir of butterflies inside, that excitedly whispers, "yes, do it." I know these are all ways God shows up in my life to answer the questions racing through my incessantly busy head.

  

Many times I minimize those signs and answers. This is all relatively new to me... this consciously living from a spiritual space.   Sometimes I question, and wonder if what I'm hearing is just an insecure ego justifying and rambling on again.  I really don’t have any excuses.   I DO  know the difference now and its time I began to live like it... If it resonates, and I feel peaceful, then it’s the right direction.  If I feel emotions like guilt, fear, and unworthiness it’s not from MY God of love, no matter what anyone else expresses or thinks. That’s not my business. Who knows where "they" are at in their journey, and they can only offer up their reality.   My business is to discern where my Source is leading me. 

You can “act as if” until you’re blue in the face and accept “what is” (my latest mantra, which I am disposing of today) into a state of complacency.  Maybe the feelings of restless, irritable and discontent are there for a reason.  To get me to do something different.... Stop worrying about what I think others think I should do, or how I SHOULD feel, and start doing what resonates with my life.  Stop worrying about perceptions, false pride, duty and responsibilities that have become too big to handle,  and do something else.  Essentially, anything else, with faith and trust.  Just do something!  

Maybe its time to trust in the restlessness and discontent and yearn just a little bit more.  I don’t WANT to settle in and be content with my life as it is today. It’s not what I want.  I WANT change, a new direction, forward movement.  I want to be amongst like-minded souls, who question the status-quo and reach out for new information.  Professionally, I want to feel a part of, and make meaningful contributions. I want to live in a thriving community of vibrant, forward thinking people. That is what I want.  That is who I am, and it feels right and peaceful when I yearn and dream myself there.  I want the magic of trying and failing and trying something new.  I want the magic that comes from setting aside my fears and just taking some risks. I want the magic of being with people who think outside the box, love life, and believe in magic too.   

This is all not to be confused with a lack of gratitude... Ahha this is what I recognized as my sticking point.  I did not want to be perceived as ungrateful for what I have.  I am grateful for the income, a roof over my head, my phenomenal friends and family, a little community that was there for me to hide out in, years ago, when I needed it.  I will always be grateful for these things.  By wanting more, in no way diminishes any of that.  It simply means, I’ve changed.... I want to honor who I am now, those things that help to drive me further along the path in my  journey.  I don’t want to simply accept here, in this place I have rested in, for possibly far too long, just to try to feel safe.  Not now.   It doesn’t feel safe anymore.  It feels alien and dishonorable to something inside me.  

Somehow I crossed a line with acceptance.  I forgot the last half of the serenity prayer - The wisdom to know the difference.  I have no excuses...I know the difference between carving out a rut, and walking forward in faith.  I know I can’t control anyone else, what they think, their opinions or choices. I know I have the courage to change the things I can;  myself, my job, my living situation, I’ve done it over and over in my lifetime.  I am grateful today, when I do get sidetracked, God gives me a good bop on the head...  through a friend’s words, a quote,  and sometime even how my body feels.  

 I began to feel a new stirring this week.... yearned.. made a list for change...imagined and anticipated another good dose of risk-taking,  knowing its all going to turn out for my greater good. It felt right and peaceful to do that.  

I leave you (and me) with this spectacular quote from one of my guru’s...an old soul at 23, Meg P.  This phenomenal young lady who is currently living fully, without limitations, walking through fears, out of mind-numbing complacency, into richness, aliveness and service.   

“It occurs to me it is not so much the aim of the devil to lure me with evil as it is to preoccupy me with the meaningless.” - Don Miller

WooHoo to the end of the meaningless - it's okay to want more... something different.... at least for today. 

Week Thirty Four - Books are humanity in print - Barbara W. Tuchman

I finished a book this week that left me in a massive puddle of my own tears.  I had a tough time getting started when my daughter gave it to me.  She loved it and said she knew I would too.  It was the last in a series of a young adult fiction I had enjoyed years ago - Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.  Generally, my daughter and I don’t enjoy the same literature, she’s a hopeless romantic and Nicholas Sparks fan. Me.... not so much. It’s not that I don’t believe in miracles, and love, and fantasy, it’s just perhaps I have enough of my own life experiences now, and the fiction pales in comparison!  Who needs  50 Shades of Grey when you’ve lived it, better written. This book, Sisterhood Everlasting, was different and I felt so close to her in knowing we saw many of the same things in the rawness and beauty of Ann Brashares final episode of the Sisterhood. I think part of it just means she is growing into her own life experiences too, and can now relate to so much more.  It was a book mother and daughter became one. 

 At, first, I couldn’t figure out why I was dragging my feet in immersing myself further into the book.  I went so far, a few pages at a time, for weeks.  Then, I would stop.  I made up my mind, this past weekend was “D Day”...done...When I finished it Sunday afternoon, I knew why I had so much trouble.  The book was a very personal revisit to my life, decade by decade. I haven’t had a book impact me so intimately since Elizabeth Gilbert’s  Eat, Pray, Love which I read in 2008.   I think books, are like people, divine and dropped into our lives when we need them... to teach us, warm our hearts, and help us to know we are not alone. 

I think it’s hard for us to see ourselves as we really were/are in the present or even honestly, in the past tense.  Sometimes the words of another shine a light on those places in us left unspoken; those secret parts of us that need to be recognized, so they can come out and be shared, in order for us to make any progress in our own life journey and growth.  This book did that for me.  It set the stage for a revisit to the person I was at 20, 30, 40, and 50, in voices other than my own, That felt safe for me, and also allowed me to both grieve and rejoice at the woman that has/is evolving.  I bookmarked a few quotes from the book that told a part of the story of the woman I was and now am...

Me- Age 18

“Lena wished that love were something you could flip on and off. You could turn it on when you felt good about yourself and worthy of it and generous enough to return it. You could flip it off when you needed to hide or self-destruct and had nothing at all to give.”

Me - Age 30 

She wondered again about her inclination to wish for things that made her so deeply unhappy.”

Me- Age 45

“Bridget's anger evaporated and the sadness came back. The anger was easier. She owned and controlled it, whereas the sadness owned her.” 

Me - Age 55

“You don't have time, Len. That is the most bitter and the most beautiful piece of advice I can offer. If you don't have what you want now, you don't have what you want.  ... Maybe you think you'll be entitled to more happiness later by forgoing all of it now, but it doesn't work that way. Happiness takes as much practice as unhappiness does. It's by living that you live more. By waiting you wait more. Every waiting day makes your life a little less. Every lonely day makes you a little smaller. Every day you put off your life makes you less capable of living it.” 

Me - Today.... Just for today.

“You just have to let people love you in the way they can.” You get older and you learn there is one sentence just four words long and if you can say it to yourself it offers more comfort than almost any other. It goes like this… Ready?”

“Ready.”

“At least I tried.” 

WooHoo to those talented writers who have an ability to move us to take a look at and acknowledge our own humanity.  It’s only in the recognition that we are able to accept those bits of ourselves and see them for what they are, stepping stones to acceptance of who we have been, who we are, and who we want to be. WooHoo to my weekend of Traveling with the Sisterhood!